Windswept

I visited a beautiful, sunny and lovely beach just before my return to Chicago. I have always been drawn to the ocean…how it welcomes you with the fresh and salty smell before you even set your eyes upon it…how it draws you in with the rhythmic tranquility offered as a gift from the endless crashing of waves upon the shore…the way it plants impossible, unanswerable, painful & important questions into your heart as you try your best to gaze beyond the horizon…when it fills you with a belittling feeling accompanied by the impression of insignificance as you lose your sense of time and space…all while experiencing the physical & emotional warmth from the setting sun…and most importantly how it confirms the feeling of true and honest compassion, joy & love one receives when meditating on the grandness of this watery mass…knowing in your heart that these feelings are a real and almost tangible gift from our Heavenly Father above.

There’s a distinct contrast when experiencing the sea in the darkness of a clear and starry evening compared to a sunny day. Uncertainty, fear and loneliness can sometimes accompany a nightfall visit to your favorite oceanfront destination…but for me I enjoy a post-dusk visit as much as a mid summer’s day. I think it helps after one has become familiar with the sea’s glory during a sunny day…but in a weird way I feel that I must share this amazing scenic moment with others while I enjoy it’s bright and sometimes boisterous character. It pulls me closer after nightfall…as if it’s just the two of us sharing a moment together. There’s something about hearing the waves without seeing them that helps me focus on my own personal thoughts and emotions…as the wind awards the tender mist and the moon flaunts just a small portion of the watery splendor. This incommensurable experience draws me not only to the sea but more importantly it truly draws me to God.

I visited a certain beach location quite a few times during my stay including one particularly powerful visit during a windy night. I sat in the cool and slightly wet sand just a few yards from the wave’s reach, I meditated in prayer and opened my heart in gratitude to Our Lord for blessing me with so very much.

It’s a difficult thing to express gratitude during such a difficult time but I’m grateful that it truly does come natural…from an honest and humble place. I pray also for help in my time of mourning…true and clear guidance for each and every day as well as my more distant future…answers to my questions, or for peace in my heart due to the acceptance that I may never know these answers…and most importantly that God blesses me with feeling my wife’s guidance, love and presence now and always…I actually request immediate manifestations of my wife’s love and presence. I know in the moment that this is a sign of weakness within my faith but I don’t care…I justify it to the tremendous loss I have suffered.

I am sitting up straight…in a meditative like pose but lacking the form of an experienced yogi. I call out Jessica’s name…my tone mirroring one used when I used to call her name out…with the intent to share some important and serious news. “Jessica Marie? Hi honey…I miss you so very much right now and I just want to tell you that I love you as much as I miss you. I am sorry for not being better and giving you everything you truly deserved on this earth. I am sorry for feeling regret about these things and I know that’s the last thing you want but it’s all very overwhelming at times…and I am trying my best, that I can promise. Now I know you have blessed me through God’s grace with signs of your love all along my journey since you’ve passed into a better place but I’m still not strong enough to continue this path without receiving more signs of your presence honey. It’s been awhile since my request has been fulfilled so I am here again to plead with you for yet another example of your love for me. Please do whatever you can to comfort me in my grief and erase my doubt. Thank you baby and I love you forever.”

I recline as I sit patiently…placing my hands behind me, my legs extend in front with my toes and fingers digging their way beneath the cool sand. My hair blows across my face and to the back of my head as the ocean’s mist layers my skin and clothing with it’s gentle touch. I close my eyes and wait with expectancy for a few minutes without any change in the current scene or any new creature to befriend. I try to clear my mind and concentrate on my sweet wife…replaying scenes from our lives in my mind like a movie montage…trying my best to recall the happier and joyful moments…flashes of her laughing out loud at something then placing her hair behind her ear…smiling at me from across a busy room, a moment we alone share…staring into each other’s eyes accompanied by intense silence as we lay in bed…spinning her around in a garden after receiving good news. As these memories dance in my head and torment my soul, the wind continues to dance without any noticeable change as I wait…and wait…and wait…. “Okay my Luv, I see that you’re with someone else right now…maybe next time…goodnight baby.” I proceed to stand and then stare upon the ocean’s grandness under the starry night. My heels were still dug into the sand as I placed my hands into my pockets to hide them from the from the wind’s chilly presence. I stood for a bit as the wind began to suddenly pickup with such a force…I fought my best to not fall backwards for a moment or two but as if to notice my efforts the wind increased even more…countering my best attempts at standing my ground until I was completely overcome. As I fell back into my sandy chair I laughed harder than I have by myself in quite sometime…this joyous laughter accompanied by joyous tears. The presence of this once powerful and forceful wind disappeared as soon as my fall was complete. I sat enjoying this moment…resuming my previous reclined position. I recall thinking while expressing my gratitude to God and Jessica that this was typical of her, I nodded my head while smiling as I heard her voice echo through my thoughts, “Stop being so impatient Joe…the best things in life take time.”

I walked up the beach and away from the ocean’s pull…relishing in the moment and enjoying yet another lesson learned from my sweet Jessica…her love continuing to amaze me and teach me always.