This is my first blog post which I have not written, this was written by my late wife, Jessica Marie Hehn. I think this is truly a gift to help me get through these next few days as well as anyone else suffering a loss through the Holiday season. It’s unbelievably sad and to think of how she wrote this two years ago and now I am using her advice to cope with her passing…I miss her more than words can describe over this holiday season. I love you Jessica, Merry Christmas baby.
Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays to all of you!! God Bless.
“Oh the Holidays, I love this time of year! I love the quilted, fluffy closeness I feel to the world. It’s almost as if everyone’s spirit is bursting with sparkles, fairy dust and 6-inch ribbon curls. But I do remember a time when the Holiday’s didn’t make me feel so fancy-free. Growing up with divorced parents and segmented holiday gatherings had me seeing my eggnog glass half empty; things were stressful and strange. Those days are long gone now, but it wasn’t until my early 20’s when I began to again appreciate this gold-dipped, encore season of the year.
I think falling in love with Joey may have played a lead roll in my refreshed love for all things red, green and Fa-la-la. He LOVES Christmas! Pretty much a down low, and may I say much, MUCH cuter, version of the Grinch, I wanted nothing to do with the Holidays. “Here’s my x-mas list, make it happen and no I don’t want to bake with you” and “If I hear another Jingle bell, I will cut you!” were my thoughts. I can remember doing a lot of valley girl eye-rolling, cringing and twitching at the very sound of Christmas music. It’s odd to even think any of that was running through my head, but that was just it. It was my mind, not my heart. The child within truly wanted to celebrate and be part of this joyous time. The reason I was so hardened to the holidays was because I didn’t feel connected anymore. I felt left out and uninvited. That 10 year old, little girl dolled up in banana curls, ruffles and bows wanted to feel like all the other kids did, accepted.
Loving Joe and his family changed everything for me. If you know the Hehn’s (pronounced like the underwear, not the domestic fowl), then you know they’re just a few Christmas lights short of being the Griswold’s. But that has nothing to do with the price of rice in China. The reason I fell in love with Christmas again is because of this family, their traditions and their wholehearted acceptance of me. For the first time, in a very long time, I felt connected, invited and accepted. I was finally a part of something whole. All of the sudden, I was like, “ Yeah! This is my Holiday too, dammit!” And it was almost like we, Christmas and I, had picked up where we left off and it’s been a magical romance since.
Decorations and wrapped gifts under the tree aside, this year will be a little different. This year I won’t be shopping for Daddy nor will I be able to call to hear his warm, cheerful voice exchanging Merry Christmas wishes and “I love you’s”. Losing a dearly loved one before the Holidays stings. This year, the emptiness of his loss is certain to be present and painful. Filled with beautiful memories, I think about Daddy’s spirit and grasp onto the belief that this year, he will be more present than he has been in the past. He will actually be at the dinner table with me, opening gifts with me and toasting to another fruitful year ahead. He will be there in heart, soul and spirit.
Losing the family fiber that was my father has been beyond hard; it’s been devastating. But it could have been much harder had I not had the support of my family, new and old. So this year, when emptiness sets in or if I feel down, I will simply look around me and remember that I am not alone. This Christmas, I will be reminded that all of Daddy’s love will be filtered through the hugs and smiles I get from all my loved ones. After all, it is the most wonderful time of the year.
This Holiday Season, love, be loved, smile, shine, embrace and soak up all the peace and joy you can. You know I will!”
Jessica Marie Hehn
Dec. 4th, 1980 - July 15th, 2014
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