My evening started off with a wedding rehearsal taking place in a church not too far from where Jessica and I lived for many years. I had to practice reading “First letter of Paul to the Corinthians” for one of Jessica’s best friend’s wedding which is coming up in a few days. Before heading home I spontaneously decided to drive by all of the places Jess and I lived in throughout our tenure in Chicago. I made sure to visit them in the order which we stayed so the memories would come chronologically. The first apartment, on Deming Place, brought back a flurry of memories from our earlier bartending days…courtship…the exciting beginning times of a relationship and the fun that accompanies it. Not too long after we fell in love Jess settled in with me for a couple of months, my lease ended shortly after and so we decided to officially move into her place on Surf St. I didn’t even stop in front of our first apartment too long before I headed to our next spot. As I drove down Surf with my melancholy playlist shuffling along I experienced a dozen or so flashbacks…giving her our first dog, Belly, who I left outside of the apartment door with a big red bow, she was the size of a coke can and was literally the cutest thing you’ve ever seen…as Jessica discovered her new gift she just kept asking like a little girl on Christmas morning, “Is this for me??? Is this mine???” This maybe the only other thing that was as cute as little Belly in a oversized red bow. Belly was also the reason we got evicted from that apartment, no pets allowed but we figured nobody would notice…until she started yelping for hours whenever Jess left the apartment. As I strolled up to the building and pulled to the side I recalled when we had a few days off from tending bar so we smushed the mattress through the bedroom door…knocking me over almost every time the door frame birthed our Simmons Beautyrest, we placed it in the living room, lit a bunch of candles, watched marathons of movies and vegged out on the absolute unhealthiest food possible…that didn’t last long because Jess started taking monthly trips to NY for her health coach certification. Suddenly a cool wisp of air escorted me back into reality…I opened my car window to get a better look at the changes within the building’s foyer which brought me back to Jess and I racing up 7 flights of stairs with groceries tucked under our arms and making fart noises that echoed down the halls…our elevator was always broken but it helped keep us in shape, that and the obsessive laughing from the fart noises.
After my lapse through memory lane ended on Surf I continued my drive just a few blocks North to our final residence in Chicago. I idly cruised down Briar Place as slow as possible and noticed my hands begin to squeeze the steering wheel a bit harder than necessary, I could hear the leather twist…a preemptive assault was building throughout my body as the nerves built and the flashes of times past appeared. My car seemed to slow to the point of time stopping…like in the movies when a drop of water stops short of it’s destination and just hovers above the pool below…I saw us both on the sidewalk racing our pups across an entire city block in the wee hours of the night, the snow kicking up from the little balloon covered paws as we laughed out loud and cheered on our miniature greyhounds. Our old balcony came into view and luminous memories of dinners, grilling, gardens and champagne sabering raced through my regretful mind. We made this apartment our home for almost 8 years and the flash flood of memories started to take their toll as my pulse raced and my eyes fought to beat back the tears…I remembered dancing in front of our Christmas tree, passing out on the couch with our pups for a restful summer’s day, waking the neighbors with a childish disagreement, prepping for the launch of our health & wellness company, preparing 200 message in a bottle invitations for our Costa Rican wedding, taking her to the emergency room to discover the cancer had spread to her brain…and out last visit together…after treatment had gone well the second time around and she wanted to see our home one last time before we officially moved in with my parents to fight this disease as a family. She almost collapsed with grief as she entered and saw our charming, welcoming and loving little abode turned into an empty, old and depressing Chicago apartment…signifying the end of an era…and more importantly a reminder of our current struggle. This was too much…I turned into the alley as rapidly as possible trying to outdrive the sorrow and heartache. I sped away from our former home hoping to never lay eyes on it again. As I raced away I felt in my heart to make one final stop so I turned towards Lake Shore Drive and headed for our Japanese garden we loved so very much. I knew it was freezing outside, my dashboard confirming that a Chicago winter was indeed finally upon us but I didn’t care…I could use the sting of a cold winter’s night. I took my time with the drive going barely over the speed limit and recalling the countless times we took this mini highway to University of Chicago…many emotional and monumental trips to and from Hyde Park came to mind. As I made the turn around the drive I noticed the growing city buildings with their festive lights didn’t impact me as much as they once did. I eventually arrived and pulled into the desolate parking lot…I then made the cold trek, walking down the path until I came upon my destination. I took a large breath and exhaled the warm cloud as to release more than my unwanted air before crossing over into the entrance.
We were supposed to have a remission party within this Japanese oasis for Jessica one day…pain literally shot through my heart as I recall the memory of us walking hand in hand during a sunny summer’s day. We were so faithful and confident that Our Lord would continue to guide us through this chapter of our lives and on to the next…a better, brighter and cancer free one. As we walked…we prayed…it was just us, the sound of the gravel that accompanied our leisurely placed footsteps and the cool breeze which occasionally picked up to cool us off from the sun’s warming touch. Now as I stroll through this dark, cold and almost frightful place the gravel sound is my only companion…it painfully reminds me of my solace and seems to echo throughout the garden…it seems determined to intensify my loneliness. I am startled by the sound of geese honking over the lake in the distance as I see shadows fly off into the night…another chilly reminder of my wife’s passing…the only time I see these creatures is either here in this garden or the cemetery where Jess was laid to rest. I started again to reminisce and ponder all that was done here…all that was requested. Jess and I both and then I alone would come to meditate and to pray, opening our hearts and souls to God’s guidance regarding Jessica’s different treatment option and life’s difficult choices as well. I sat on a stone in the middle of a where a waterfall usually recycled the water from the green pond before it…as I perched myself in front of this frozen pond I took the entire scene in as best I could without the light I was accustomed to. It was so dark even after my eyes had already adjusted that I didn’t feel it necessary to close them for meditation and prayer. As the cold and lifeless stone sent chills up my spine I prayed to God and asked my sweet Jessica why we did all of this…what was the point…she didn’t make it through her battle as we hoped, begged for and believed she would. I questioned every moment here and it’s purpose…because Jessica is not here with me now…and all of this…here and now…and life in general is just so difficult without her. As I questioned my faith and demanded answers my phone rang. I fumbled to remove it from my pocket as my burdensome gloves supplied little assistance. I didn’t recognize the number and usually when I don’t I never pick up. For some reason I felt inclined to answer it this time…signs come in any manner so I pressed the green accept button. It was the spa calling to remind me of my appointment tomorrow which I told them I canceled earlier today. They apologized for the call and thanked me for choosing Heavenly massage. After fumbling again to place the phone back in my pocket with trembling hands I smirked at the little reminder of Heaven…and how she was there…she WAS healed and IS whole again. It’s not what I wanted for my wife and it’s not what I wanted for me but I know this is God’s will.
As I started my walk back to the car under the moonlit night, I stopped halfway there…looked back at the path behind me and gazed as far as my eyes could see with the help of the yellow glow beaming from the sidewalk lanterns…I couldn’t see where the path lead or how far it went…maybe not knowing the answers or having them is okay for now, it’s easier this way. After thawing out I jumped back on LSD and headed home…again as the city landscape grew larger and this amazing metropolis came into view I noticed how I didn’t feel the same about her anymore…Chicago wasn’t as easy on my eyes as she once was. I recalled a conversation with a friend who went through a recent breakup, she mentioned that when she looked at her ex she just didn’t feel the same about him anymore…I suddenly realized that I broke up with Chicago tonight. I broke up with my old life. I broke up with 2014. I’m moving on. I don’t know where my path will take me but I’m okay with that.
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