In a previous journal entry I wrote about whether it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I mainly focused on our shared love for each other, and how her love has been my greatest earthly blessing…but now, with great hesitation, I will write about the second part…loss.
Jessica’s passing is something that literally haunts me, gives me anxiety and at times fills my heart with a deep depression, fear and sadness. I cannot help but replay the events leading up to her passing…the memories just start snowballing until the entire event is unfolding all over again in my mind. This raw and painfully clear flashback comes over me and at times I try and stop it from playing out…I try and turn the channel…talk myself back from the ledge so to speak…“Joe, your wife is with God, she is perfect and happy beyond your understanding… her passing was a blink in her existence here on earth and she is not in pain anymore…more importantly she is not scared anymore…fear probably doesn’t even exist in Heaven…Jessica is not afraid. Joe, you are afraid…this is your fear building, the past is the past…she is not suffering any longer…this is your suffering…this is your burden. Joe, you need to let it go…God loves you and He loves Jessica…you don’t have to constantly relive this…there is no good that can come from this…Joe, please stop…you need to let this go.”
I actually had to step away from writing this just now. This very heavy burden weighs deeply on my heart and soul. This is the first time I am attempting to collect and process the events leading up to her departure from this world…this is the first time I am attempting to share the full scale of emotions I wrestle with regarding Jessica’s death.
I sometimes convince myself to stop the full memory from unfolding and other times I am not successful. This is something that I am working on, why do I separate my mind from my true conscious and being? An ever important tool in my struggle throughout my adult life has been this book, “The Power of Now”, it has helped me take some great steps towards achieving my goal in my “normal existence” but it’s difficult when I try applying some of the direction towards my traumatic memories of Jessica’s passing. The bible of course in a constant help and my mother in law, Leila, still sends me daily scripture which is also very powerful….but altogether this is still not enough. I feel that I suffer from PTSD, I don’t know to what extent nor am I able to compare to what others struggle with…but make no mistake, it is a very strong and dark force. I become terrified at times, and at others not as much. Mainly I feel a deep sadness, I’m sad that my wife had to suffer…I’m sad that she was in pain and struggling with so much…I’m sad that she was scared…I’m so very distraught and shocked that she didn’t survive as our faith lead us to believe she would. I feel worthless at times, like I don’t know how to exist without her, without us. It’s terrible…but I turn to The Lord for strength and healing as much as I can…and Jessica helps me. I need that help while freeing my mind of the burden of her passing. I pray this will help.
It was Friday afternoon July 11th, my father’s birthday. Jessica was very weak and struggling with the most menial of tasks. She started a new gene targeted chemotherapy just two weeks prior. We were already noticing improvements, some lymph nodes had decreased in size and the amount of fluid we drained daily from her left lung had decreased quite a bit. We prayed constantly, we thanked God for blessing us with this successful treatment and for guiding us through this impossible situation, we believed with all of our hearts that Jessica would get through this. We received some news from the doctors that some of Jessica’s mineral levels were low. This was actually good news, I recall my mother and I both feeling better about her future improvement after getting her levels back to normal. We were so excited and happy…forward progress never felt so rewarding. God is great.
So we scrambled to get the necessary IV equipment delivered from Walgreens all the while working on scheduling our nurse to get everything going. It was a mess and took hours to accomplish, but we did it. The nurse came later that evening…my sister, mother and I all watched as she hooked Jessica up and the treatment began. Jessica was such a warrior, I knew cancer patients dealt with so much but she had been put through the wringer. What Jessica dealt with on a daily, weekly and long term basis as well as emotionally, physically and mentally I am truly not able to covey with words how immensely impossible everything was…but she had such grace, optimism and love. She had so much love…and somehow she managed to smile at times and she kept her faith…her faith was very solid throughout. She was so strong, I feel so weak without her.
One of many of Jessica’s battles was her anxiety. I will not go into depth what it entailed but it did involve her not being able to catch her breath. We would try to calm her through prayer and peaceful, relaxing and tranquil discussion but to no avail. I couldn’t quite grasp anxiety and it’s powerful control before, but I have unfortunately come to learn first hand how horrible it can be. Jessica was also on oxygen 100% of the time, we were juggling so many variables…many of which I will not touch on right now. My point being that with all of the different factors it was difficult to pinpoint the cause of any ailment, no matter what the size.
Later that evening Jessica started to become very short of breath, so we naturally thought it was due to the anxiety. We gave her the necessary medicine and waited. No improvement, actually it got worse so we called our doctor and we were told to give more of the anti-anxiety medicine and wait longer, if there were no signs of improvement we needed to take her to the ER. We dreaded doing that for obvious reasons but we were also used to it at this point. It was past 3am and she had not slept at all yet, and very little the previous night as well. My mother, sister and I took shifts staying awake with her. No improvement still. It was around 5am and Jess told mom that she wanted to go to the ER. Her breathing was very strained and she was exhausted. My poor baby girl, she was so scared.
We scrambled to leave and decided my father would come with to take care of her in the back seat since I knew the route to U of C so well. I wish I had stayed in the back with her. I carried my wife down the steps and into the car…something I loved to do, I felt like I was truly taking care of her and I could tell she felt safe in my arms. We drove to the ER in a semi panic and on the way she asked to sit up front because she was also panicked, scared and her body had almost nothing left in it. I had to deny her request because she needed someone next to her to take care of her…it broke my fucking heart saying no. She was so sweet and perfect.
We finally arrived after a very stressful drive. I got a wheelchair and for the last time I carried my wife within my arms and laid her softly into the chair and rushed her into the hospital. I took her right up to the check in and everyone knew this was as serious as it gets. The staff rushed her into a room and started asking the usual 100 questions. They hooked her up to a more powerful oxygen machine compared to what we used at home and in the car on the way here. She needed all the help she could get…her breathing was still very strained but at least her oxygen levels improved, another thing we struggled with constantly.
This part is the most difficult for me to write, I have to take multiple breaks just to breath and try and relax…
They needed to use an even more powerful breathing machine which forced air into her lungs. She hated it, she tried to take it off which the doctors let her do for only a few seconds…her anxiety was also skyrocketing and for good reason. I was by her side as she was sitting up in the bed and telling her that she needed to keep this mask on, we didn’t want her oxygen levels to plummet. She yelled out to my father, “Dad help me”, out of fright, my father consoled her as best he could but both our hearts were crushed. That moment brings tears to my eyes, I believe the hardest thing in all of life is seeing the ones you love in pain or fear. This was as bad as it could get for me. This is the part that haunts me the most, feeling so utterly helpless, not being able to take my wife’s fear away. She was so scared, the most I’ve ever seen and it’s this memory that swells my throat, brings on my anxiety and tortures my soul. Just writing this now I’m sitting in a Peruvian cafe all by myself in front of a table covered in used napkins and shaking my head in disbelief. I can’t believe she had to endure this…it’s just not fair.
The doctors told me her body was working too hard to breath and the X-ray showed that she was only using around 85% of her lungs. Something happened in the last day and they didn’t know the cause…but they needed to sedate her to stop her body from working to the point of utter exhaustion. I agreed and then I told my father what was needed. He said goodbye to his daughter, told her he loved her and left the room.
I had to stop writing again. I was getting too emotional and starting to feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I left the cafe and wandered into the main square here in Cusco, Peru. The elevation is just over 11k feet and it’s sometimes hard to breathe in your sleep let alone once a little anxiety kicks in. So I’m wandering around this amazing plaza and I hear the church bells ringing, my intention was to attend mass later tonight but I think God is calling me to His house now. I just so happened to arrive right as mass was beginning. I couldn’t understand pretty much anything because they spoke the native language of the Andes, Quechuan, not Spanish…but I felt better immediately. I watched with a smile as these beautiful little Peruvian children climbed over and under the pews. My favorite part was when the priest tells you to greet the other patrons and then you might say: “Peace. be with you.” Usually we shake hands back home but here they give hugs. I was standing next to this much older and shorter Peruvian man and as I turned and placed my hand forward he wrapped both his arms around me…it was fantastic. I continued hugging those around me and felt the love of The Lord through these short embraces…a much needed blessing. I prayed for strength, I prayed to feel my wife’s presence, I prayed for my heart to heal. I feel better, slightly stronger and at peace…which will help me write this final part.
I’m now alone in the room with Jessica and staring into her watery eyes with mine, both my hands covering and embracing hers as we begin to pray. I don’t recall what we prayed for but I can imagine it being for her complete recovery and healing. It’s time for her to be sedated so I kiss my wife on the head and then her hands multiple times and I look into her eyes and say “I love you”, she pauses for awhile as she musters up the strength and through the breathing mask she says “I love you too.” Those were the very last words I heard from my wife and if I had to choose any words to be the last, those would be the ones. I left the room and just over two days later, surrounded by numerous friends and family, the doctor told me my wife could not survive on her own…she was gone. I had to make the most difficult decision of a lifetime…to let my wife go…to let her return to be with Our Heavenly Father. I took my time saying my final goodbye, praying and just loving my bride for our final moments together. I then invited everybody into the room as we prayed over Jessica and let her pass into another world, a better world, a perfect world…Heaven. It was 3:25 in the morning, 3/25 is our wedding anniversary…a gift from God that I will cherish forever and one last “I love you” from my wife.
I know I will struggle with these memories until I too have passed into the next world. I pray that God continues to heal my heart and soul and that I feel my Jessica always…until we can tell each other “I love you” once again.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalms 34:18
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4
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