I cannot help but get anxious when I start processing everything I’m going through. My life is so very different than where I believe it should be, where I want it to be…I feel like my train has jumped tracks and I’m peering out of a window as the old destination fades into darkness.
I went to a beach named Boca Grande in Cartagena, it was nothing special, typical city beach. Ryan and I walked the wrong direction for awhile and ended up being in the sun for an extra 30 minutes. We both felt our irritation rising. After finally arriving at our destination we sat under a shaded area to avoid the 90 plus degree heat…we were not as successful escaping the humidity however. After I took a refreshing dip, Ryan and I chatted a bit. He’s not the typical beach kind of guy, he’s not very fond of swimming and so he didn’t enter the water at all. To each their own as they say. After some time sitting and scanning the ocean, some broken memories trickled into my consciousness, memories of the numerous visits Jess and I made to the beach. We adored the beach, we were taken with it’s grandeur, beauty and awesomeness. I asked for her hand in marriage from a cliff overlooking a picturesque sun setting into the Costa Rican ocean. The beach makes me miss her dearly, we were near perfect traveling companions because we were so alike. While Ryan is my eldest friend and a true brother, he and I have differences of course, as we should. With Jess though I feel as though we were so similar that we knew what the other wanted without hesitation…because we were already thinking it ourselves.
So I’m sitting in my chair thinking how my soulmate is gone, thinking of what the hell I’m supposed to do with myself…horrible selfish thoughts which start bubbling up a new unwanted companion, anxiety. I start feeling the pressure of life crushing my existence and pushing me into an uncomfortable position of having to figure everything out…right…NOW. What am I to do? Where am I to work? Am I supposed to work? What is the reason for this trip? Who am I without Jessica? So many immensely important questions…I Break Myself. I rise from my chair and walk along the hot sand until I crash into the salty bath…continuing to walk further and further until my shoulders are nearly covered and I cry out to my sweet wife “Why did you leave me Baby?”, as tears wash away the ocean water I cry out to my Lord “Why did you take her God?” I ask many questions without a hint of an answer or notion of my acceptance. I pray out-loud and speak to my Heavenly Father as if He were standing in front of me. I trek back and forth, never turning around to face the beach, hiding my embarrassment and erratic behavior. Five, ten, fifteen then twenty minutes elapse and I’m still working things out…I feel like punching and slapping the water in rage but decide against it. I don’t want to call any more attention to this weeping, broken down man arguing with the ocean. I feel tired, like a small child after a tantrum, I wait to catch a wave back to the shore and resume my scanning from a green plastic chair. I feel better, the release my body needed. I tell Ryan how I now understand the mindset of a suicidal person. Before I couldn’t grasp the idea of life’s mounting pressures building and building until one takes the most serious of actions. I understand how there’s almost no choice in the matter, you just want it all to stop and you don’t care how. What I experienced was a mere fraction of what some poor soul has suffered, but I empathize. I do see how suicide sometimes isn’t a choice, it’s a reaction to a disease. I am unsure if a person who commits suicide enters Heaven or hell, but I think life is a gift, a gift worth fighting for. And I am absolutely sure of one thing, that I have to accept not knowing all of the answers. Thank you Lord for my faith.
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