I completed yet another amazing hike today with my buddy and one of the prominent thoughts was how much Jessica would have enjoyed this hike. It’s hard to do stuff without her…or do anything at all really. I walk down the street and see so much that I would have pointed out to her…it makes me think of the things I’ve missed because she’s not pointing them out to me. I want to buy cute little gifts for her constantly. There are so many little trinkets, accessories, items of clothing and miscellaneous gifts that make my mind go “She would love that.” I’m just so programmed so make her happy in this respect and endless others as well. It will take some time for this instinct to fade away, or fade to a lower frequency at the very least.
I miss so many aspects of our life together and it’s depressing to know that I haven’t scratched the surface with what I will learn to miss…each and every day….all the while continuing to miss what I’ve already painfully discovered. What I’m finding most difficult, and I know I’ve mentioned this before, is watching others experience moments and chapters Jess & I dreamed of being blessed with one day. When she was healthy and when she was battling we discussed having children…it was a carrot on a stick, a goal and dream that fueled our fight and grew our faith. Out of everything that I’ve come to find I will never experience again with Jessica, it’s the dreams which have been torn away that haunt me the most. Not only have I lost my beautiful partner in life but I’ve lost our dreams, desires and life goals…which were all MY dreams, desires and life goals. It has been very frightening coming to the realization that I need to find out what my new path should be. I need to search within myself and throughout this world for new inspiration and desires. I thought I understood the term “Soul Searching” but I was way off. Now I have a better grasp on the gravity of this term and it’s sad undertone. I long for the day when I can dream again without grief, guilt and loss….when my soul searching days are filled with light and positivity. But I know Jess is here to help guide me every step of the way.
Comments