There’s just so much to process, too much. Everything I’ve lost hasn’t even surfaced for me yet…I was just staring at a picture of Jess and thinking how perfect we were for each other. I started to recall our shared interests which we absolutely loved as a couple…things that made us so very happy and even more so considering we were able to share our love for them together. Nothing too complicated and involved either…the simple things in life…the daily joys.
We absolutely loved to cook together, we’d run by the market and pickup some fresh goodies for and ingredients for our upcoming meal. The “dance” would start as soon as we were greeted by our pups at the door. We’d prep together in the kitchen, fighting for elbow space but the coziness of our small quarters made our time together all the better. Taking turns feeding each other little treats and making Belly & Hobo howl and perform for their fair share as well. Then came game time…
I would man the grill, watching over the sizzling tasty protein all the while flipping, tossing and turning the vibrant veggies. She would perform her magic in the kitchen, turning what most children would damn to hell for all of eternity into succulent & delicious masterpieces. We would throw some old Paris cafe vinyl or the Temptations onto the record player then meet in the middle of our respected workstations to share some wine, dance and laugh…we laughed so much…it was such a blessing that our senses of humor were so in-tuned with one another. We truly enjoyed not just eating our food but sharing it with each other…we would take every extra step to make the dinner as lovely and perfect as possible…dimmed lighting, candles, feeding each other, a little digestif afterwards, the scratchy sound of the weathered LP playing, no TV and no cell phones…just talking and opening our hearts to one another…and that was on a Tuesday.
We had a sang…“Do it Up!” We knew nothing was guaranteed in life so we took the time to put the extra effort into the smallest tasks to make them more pleasant, more perfect, more us…We didn’t take shortcuts, we enjoyed a challenge and more so when sharing said challenge with each other. We loved working hard and pursuing our goals, we pushed and inspired each other personally, professionally, spiritually, emotionally and physically. We also loved our down time, Sundays after church and a nice brunch meant snuggle time on the couch with our pups…honestly speaking those were some of my absolute favorite times with Jessica…with our mini family and not a worry in the world. Everything was perfect, we were relaxed, we were carefree, we were happy…we were head over heels in love.
I really miss my partner, I try processing everything and a dozen horrible thoughts enter my mind about what I’m supposed to do without her…like I have to figure all of this shit out right now…I tell myself “One day at a time”, but the mind is a tricky thing and sometimes it wants answers.
-I could never be with anybody else ever again…no one will ever compare…it wouldn’t be fair to the other person.
-Will I be alone forever?
-Will I ever have this with someone else again…why would you even think that you disrespectful ass?
-When will I be reunited with her…I miss her too much.
-Why her…why me?
-Why do I have to start my whole life over again? I thought I was on my way to somewhere, something different…something better than this horrible reality…something special with Jess…
-Who am I without her…who have I been…who am I supposed to be…who will I become???
These and many more questions torture me at times but I know to just breathe, relax and follow our rule…One. Day. At. A. Time.
Every day however, I realize something new that I’ve lost, that I’ll never experience again and to be perfectly honest it’s difficult…it’s very difficult having something taken away from you every day and most days it’s multiple times a day…and all on top of the loss I am already struggling to process. I don’t have answers and I really don’t want them…that’s why I pray daily for God’s guidance and love…I have to leave this in His hands…it’s too overwhelming for me…I can’t do this alone…I wasn’t supposed to do this all alone.
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