I’m starting to plan my trip a bit and narrow down some areas and countries. It’s different now, it’s all so different and it’s difficult and it fucking sucks. We were supposed to travel the world together, I always planned trips with her and the excitement between us was part of the fun…deciding where to go and where to just “wing it”, we would look at pictures, laugh and tell each other what we absolutely needed to experience while on a trip. Now it’s just me and I’m scared, nervous, overwhelmed but at the same time I’m excited for the opportunity to travel the world, the adventure, the people I’m going to meet & help and the range of experiences I will encounter. But I wanted to do this with her…I know she will be with me always but I want her in her entirety….I want my wife back.
I have been spending a lot of time doing so many different things with different people, honestly much of it is just catching up and them being supportive. Sometimes it’s all very awkward because people don’t know how to be around a person who is going through this…like they’ve been put in a cage with a sleeping gorilla and they’re just thinking it might wake up and “go crazy”.
Sorry for the tangent, but all in all it has helped because we will usually speak about her…and what has happened over the past 3-4 weeks, but mostly it’s ALL a distraction. When I come home and look at pictures, see her clothing laying there, the emptiness of my room, the silence, the smell of her, looking at our dogs or pretty much anything I just break down. It’s not continuous but it’s moment to moment. Pictures are very difficult because I realize she’s gone and it kills me. It’s also hard seeing pictures of children and young families for some reason…even though we didn’t have any children of our own. We do have frozen embryos in Houston, and we were excited about possibly using them. In general we were so looking forward to having kids and starting a family and now that’s been ripped away. And yes people have said I’m not meant to be alone but I don’t wanna hear that shit right now. I know their intentions are in the right place but it feels SO wrong, I feel guilty for even considering or questioning my future and a family. It’s as if I’m disgracing our love, marriage and bond. I don’t want to be told I’ll be with someone again, I want to be with Jessica, I want to raise our children, I want what it seems most people have and what I truly thought I was going to have one day too. Facebook is sometimes torturous, I like the distraction at times but seeing all the families is very difficult. But everyone always sees what they don’t have and I’m sure the single people hate FB because it’s hard to see the couples; couples without children hate seeing all the kid relevant pictures and posts and so on. I hate it all but love it at the same time…it’s weird…I feel jealous but then happy for my friend’s happiness. I just keep questioning why she was taken from me, and I truly rely on my faith and ask God to guide me and make it clear to me one day…or to reunite me with her. It’s in God’s hands and now I’m the one praying that He heals ME, not my wife. How messed up is that? First I’m praying for Jessica and a moment later I’m praying to her…and then I was praying for Jessica’s complete healing and now I’m praying for my own. So surreal. So confusing. So wrong. God will make it right in my heart one day I pray.
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