Journey?

I don’t want to be preparing for this trip, I want to be helping my wife battle her sickness until she gets completely cured. I want to be aiding her battle this horrible disease no matter how long it takes. But going on this trip is what I feel I’m supposed to do now that she’s gone. I feel that it is absolutely 100% the right thing to do, but I kind of hate it at times because it’s so far from what I truly want to be doing which is anything at all with Jessica. And it’s all so distracting. What to pack, vaccines, where to go, how to get there, getting all my affairs in order, convincing my friends and family about my decision, working out all of the shit with work and endless other tasks…I have been planning every detail of Jessica’s battle for so long that I’m exhausted…I don’t want to think, I don’t want to plan, I don’t want to do anything sometimes. But this is much better than returning to my “normal” existence…I can’t even imagine the agony of returning to my old routine without my wife. I feel alive again when I’m traveling and especially when I’m outdoors, I feel more connected to God and to Jessica. So I want more of that…I want to help others and see the world, the good and the bad. I’m scared but I know that she will take care of me and protect me. She will be with me and guide me…we will do this together just like we spoke about. I hope to feel her even more throughout my journey.