Illusions of Love

Dreams have become a bit torturous now…I was concerned that I hadn’t been dreaming of her almost at all but frightful for when I indeed would begin. I knew it was bound to happen eventually…dreaming of my sweet wife and then realizing it was just a dream, realizing that’s she gone and never to return…it’s nothing short of cruelty at its most basic form…reliving and rediscovering the horrible truth even in your subconsciousness. I’m walking through a crowded cobblestoned alley, it’s slender, tall and a little wet…the echo of the hundred footsteps and nonsensical chatter rebounding off the old buildings is permeating the air. I’m taller for some reason, I can clearly see over the mass of heads bopping up and down. I’m looking for something but I don’t know what…then I see it. I catch a portion of her beautiful face, barely able to make out the entire left side…but there’s no mistake, it’s Jess…her arched eyebrow is inquisitively shaped as to taunt me to rush over in her direction. Run to her Joe, go get her…the alley’s chatter begins to muffle and the crowd thickens…I need to get passed…I need to catch up…I need to find my wife. Her head spins as her hair follows suit creating a wave of beauty which masks her face…I stare intently as to not loose sight of her…she walks with ease through the crowd as I struggle…pushing and pulling blankless faces out of my path as a feeling of anxiety and panic overcomes me…your going to loose her…hurry up Joe…she’s getting further ahead…and then she stops. She doesn’t turn her head to look back as I continue my pursuit. The crowd continues to walk past her as though she’s not even there…she’s waiting for me isn’t she…she knows I’m so close and almost within reach…I put my hand out to touch her shoulder as I push past my final obstacle but then she turns at the last moment into a side alley I didn’t notice…I run into the opening of the new route and discover complete emptiness…no one is there, Jessica’s not there and I look further down and search for any kind of door or entrance to another walkway…nothing. I use the the dimly lit lanterns hanging off the walls to try and search for any sign of her but all I see are the wet reflections from the cobblestone path below. I turn my attention back to the original alley…nothing…it’s empty…where did everyone go? I hear dripping in the distance and feel cold all of a sudden…so cold…I’m alone and I know it…she’s gone…my sweet Jessica has left me and the realization causes me to awake from this horrible game as I sit-up in my sweat soaked sheets…I feel the physical pain of grief aching in my chest…I can’t believe this has all happened, how did this happen?

Reality is not too far off as well…I find my mind playing ticks on me at times, at least I think it’s my mind…maybe it’s my heart. I feel myself looking for her…searching for any sign of her…through crowds, at airports, on a busy beach…looking for the slightest resemblance of her…I even walk through pockets of her perfume that takes me back in time…a time just before we head out the door on a date night. Probably the oddest place I keep searching for her is in reflections. I notice myself in a mirror or reflective surface as I’m casually walking somewhere and I see her…she’s holding me tightly as we walk arm in arm. She has both her hands locked down upon my own in a tender loving embrace…she’s fondly smiling up at me…she’s perfect, so happy as we stroll in sync. Her adoring eyes are peering up at me and her physical being is stunning…her hair bounces up and down mirroring our blissful gallop as she laughs and then casually swipes the bangs behind her ear with such grace, such unmatched femininity and loveliness. I scan across this picture perfect moment and notice my own face…a look of such grief painted across my sullen appearance…I’m staring right back at myself and my reflection knows the truth, he knows this isn’t real…just an illusion possibly toying with your mind or recalling a time when she did exist…when we both existed. He’s not buying it, he can’t believe it, it’s not real…she’s a ghost…and with that realization she fades away…disappears entirely…I’m alone now, walking nowhere…stricken with loneliness and despair…unguided and confused. Why do I see such images? Why is my heart torturing me like this? Why has she left me? I feel so alone without her by my side…loving me…adoring me…completing me…