I felt a little defeated at first…I truly thought I would be able to finish my time out in South America and wouldn’t return home earlier than expected. It’s only three weeks early but usually when I set my mind to something I don’t give up until I finish…but I truly don’t feel that I have given up, not in the slightest…but I do feel that everything is unfinished, whatever “everything” is. This is the first time in a very long time where I’ve had to make some important decisions about health, well being and prioritizing life’s most important things and I’ve had to focus on self interest…no one else but me. I’ve placed myself first and I’m doing what is necessary and best for me…and I’m proud of myself for making these decisions and not letting my pride get in the way.
At first, when the idea of holding onto what Jessica and I agreed to do after she was healed…helping those in need…was placed into my heart, I thought it would be some kind of healing journey for me. I cannot rightfully say now…without a doubt…that it in fact was as healing as I had hoped. Helping the women and children and seeing those so less fortunate definitely opened my eyes and my heart but I do not feel stronger after suffering Jessica’s unexpected loss…I do not feel healed…I would go as far to say that I think I may actually be worse. I would compare it to what I would imagine losing a limb would feel like…what one goes through adjusting to such a great loss. At first pain management medicine is needed to stop the constant throbbing, the constant agony…but it’s just temporary. That is what the volunteering is, temporary pain management…it’s an illusion that takes me from my life…my agony…and places me in the middle of someone else's…where I can help manage their pain temporarily. I thought it would be more, so much more…I believe that the thing with losing a limb is the pain is the easy part, it can be managed somewhat, again I’m assuming and mean no offense, but I would imagine the true hardship is learning to live your life with your new handicap…learning how to go on…how to proceed with this “new” life without something you’re so used to…like reaching for a coffee mug without anything there to grab it with. There’s also the mental anguish of feeling defeated and lesser than what you did when you consider yourself “whole”. That is how I feel, I’ve got to find myself, learn how to live again, learn what to live for again…i
t’s agonizing…it’s soul crushing…it’s just so impossible. Everything I do in my daily life somehow comes back to her…everywhere I look I see my wife somehow…every sound I hear she dances back into my conscious…every person I meet I wonder what she would have thought about them or how I would love for them to meet her…and so many things…so very many things fill me with questions and sometimes they fill me with pity, why Jess…why me? Why do I have to start over at life…it’s just not fair. I try to keep my faith but sometimes I read a positive message about God getting you through the difficult times, that all you need to do is believe…have faith and He will walk you through those difficult times…and it crushes me and it confuses me. Why then didn’t He get her though our hard times? I don’t care about what I’m going through now, I wanna know why He didn’t cure her…why He didn’t save her like my heart believed He would. I swear on my love for Jessica that I am not mad at God…I’m just so utterly confused and distraught…and I’m not afraid to ask for help or realize that I need it. I realize now that I’m the one who needs the volunteer to help manage my pain…I need someone or something to help teach me how to live my life and consider myself complete…to feel “whole” again. So I’m coming home to try and heal around those who love me the most. I need to heal and I’m so very thankful that my dearest friends, family and even acquaintances are here for me no matter what. I’m thankful to be home and feel the love during this special time of year. God Bless us all:)
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