It sucks that no matter what I do there is a catch. If I go try to have a good time with family and friends there is a guilt that follows the fun. I cannot experience any joy without feeling bad about it afterwards. It’s like a shadow I cannot escape. If I have a depressing day then I feel guilty for not being more productive. I feel guilty for not making her proud of me as much as possible. I also feel like I’ve let God down on those days. I can’t win. I know this is not a winning situation but it is hard to swallow the fact that I’m always feeling some sort of negative emotion no matter what I’m doing. There can be exceptions though, like visiting Jessica at the cemetery or a place that we both loved like the Japanese garden. I also feel like this upcoming trip and the volunteer work that I’m looking to do in her honor will be very powerful and I hope there’s no strings attached regarding some ill feeling, regret, guilt or who knows….But I know it’s in God’s hands and I will feel what is necessary as I walk through this next chapter, with her love guiding me all the way.
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