This is my last day before I depart on my journey. I don’t even understand the word journey as well as I used to…the meaning to me has evolved into so many different definitions it’s almost confusing. I have not been overwhelmed at all, I’ve just been trying to get as much stuff done as possible each and every day, some days are a wash but I usually make up for them with a super productive day to follow. I’m usually guilt ridden after a depressing and lazy day so I feel like I’m in debt, like I have to make up for my weakness. I know it’s not weakness but sometimes it feels that way. Anyway, I received many phone calls, texts and messages over the last few days with quite a few visits sprinkled in as well. The visit that was the most difficult and heart wrenching was the one I made to the cemetery.
Her site is literally 3 feet from Jesus’s statue. His body is facing forward but his head is turned slightly to the right, his attention is drawn to the 1:00 position. He’s also looking down a bit…basically to me He looks like He’s looking directly at Jessica. I usually kiss my hand and place the kiss atop His feet, thank Him and then pray. I will sit on the steps directly in front of her and run my hands through the grass…sometimes it feels like I’m not touching anything at all, even though I see my fingers combing the strands of grass. The sounds are soothing, it reminds me of one of those sleep aids, birds are chirping, little critters are racing up and down the trees and jumping from branch to branch and there is a tranquility to the area which I find comforting. I used to be afraid of cemeteries but now I could intentionally stay overnight in hers.
I said hello to my grandparents. I said hello to her. I kissed her stone. I broke down. It was so tough just sitting next to her grave and asking all of these questions that I might never know the answer to, like: “Why did you leave me baby?” I’m not blaming Jessica for any of this by any means but I ask her because she knows why she left me, I know she does. I also know I will not learn the answer from her…that never stops me from asking.
A week ago I spent probably an hour and a half at the cemetery, I was inspired to drive around and see all of the different areas and statues. There are an endless number of graves…thousands and thousands. I somehow found myself inside of a MAUSOLEUM. It was as large as a mall. I walked into every hallway, taking everything in, praying, reading, appreciating the art and realizing something profound. All of these deceased people have/had families, most likely each and every one of them had somebody or many people who mourned their loss as I am mourning my wife. Thousands upon thousands of souls left this world and moved on to another. Their absence leaving a hole filled with regret, anger, confusion, love, betrayal, doubt, sorrow, emptiness and loss. These and many more emotions were experienced by hundreds of thousands of family members, friends and even strangers. I am no different. I am not special. I am just like them. It may feel extremely personal to me, as it should, but I’m not the first and I won’t be the last to walk down this horrible road. In an eerie way it brought me comfort. Running my fingers over the nameplates, smelling the old wood and catching the glare off the marble. I am not alone. I will get past this with God’s grace and love. I will get through this with Jessica’s guidance and protection. I don’t know when, and I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel just yet, nor do I think I will anytime soon…but I know one day, eventually, I will be stronger and wiser and further down this difficult road.
I final thought, I just want to share my last moments at Jessica's grave. I told her it was time to leave, I prayed, like I always do, to feel her with me and for her to let me know. I removed her wedding from around my neck for the first time since her passing and apologized. It was time to go, I would see her again in 3 months but speak with her each and every day until then.
I added a few of my favorite tiny visitors before my departure:)
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