I think one of the absolute worst things which has occurred throughout my grieving process is the reality of Jessica’s passing interrupting my dreams. I will be dreaming of something so vivid…usually similar to a situation we experienced when we were battling her cancer. In the dream, Jessica and I will receive a bit of news, something usually encouraging that affirms our faith. In the dream we will be so excited, I even recall thinking “Yes! This is it! This is the beginning of the end! Praise The Lord!!!” Then the reality hits me like an arrow shot from a great distance right to my mind.
In the dream I feel as though I am the arrow or the realization flying through the air. It is like a camera was attached to it…it flies at a tremendous speed and then Smack!! It hits me, right in my mind like a light bulb going off but horribly antithetic. This all happens in a mere second…It’s soul crushing, the realization that she’s already gone. Jessica is no longer with me here on earth, there is no longer any treatment or good news that will bring her back. This is the first time I can recall weeping in such sorrow while I’m dreaming in my dream. I recall falling to my knees while the scene that was just playing out fades to black and the spotlight dims while it encloses around my trembling body, my face is buried in my hands, my shoulders simultaneously jutting up and down like pistons in a car. I’m so sad, even my dreams are literally crushed with the weight of this horrible existence. This was a tough night, a difficult way to enter the beginning of your day as we all know is waking from a nightmare…the difference is I wake from a nightmare into that same nightmare.
I now miss waking from sweet dreams of her and being smacked with the reality of the situation…at least I had a pleasant night with my sweet Jessica. I pray to God that this was just one night and that it doesn’t happen often.
To offset this horrible feeling, I visited the Osaka Garden in Hyde Park with two dear friends. This is a Japanese garden that Jess and I used to visit often. We would pray, meditate and just lose ourselves in this tranquil paradise. Upon my visit I did exactly that, I reminisced about our past times just sitting with each other on the grass and discussing how blessed we were. We would come here before and after CR scans to either pray for a positive result or glorify God after a positive result. I have come here numerous times when complicating extremely important and critical decisions…I usually leave with clarity, comfort and confidence. This place is very special to me because I feel as though I’m living in a dream, I feel like she’s there with me…walking just 3 steps behind me as I stroll through the pathways talking to her and with God as well. This place is a dream for me, it’s a place where I am able to slowly accept the gravity of the situation…I am able to do this because Jessica is in this dream with me, guiding me, helping me, loving me.
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