Today was just rough…so much to do but I can’t stop thinking about her and I feel lonely and kind of lazy. It’s not the typical lazy… It’s that my desire and drive has vanished completely. My motivation is zapped and I feel like sitting outside all day trying to notice signs from her and feel her presence. I drove by a park, pulled over and meditated in the middle of this enormous field. I then walked by a stream and just enjoyed the perfect weather and outdoors. Being in the middle of nature certainly does help during days like these….but it’s like putting a broken arm in a sling…it’s just temporary. Life is not the same without her…I still feel as though she’s supposed to be here with me, I just don’t know why He took her from me. I asked her out loud today if she knows why and to help me figure it out or at the very least that I find peace sooner or later with the fact that she is gone. I miss her deeply.
I once went through a very difficult breakup. I was pretty depressed after-the-fact as well. It was a completely different experience obviously, because things started going bad well before we officially broke up. I could tell we were both becoming different people and we weren’t compatible like we had been in the past. When we broke up it was very difficult, I felt depressed and I missed the person who she had once been, not the person she had grown into. There was always a feeling like things could have turned around…that we both would come to our senses, change who we were and become compatible once again. I was holding onto the idea that this was a possibility. It was kind of pitiful now that I look back.
But now with Jessica gone…there is absolutely no possibility of things ever being the same again. It’s finished. Forever. It breaks my heart every day and it scares the hell out of me. My life has changed quite a bit over the last three years and especially the last ten or so months… But nothing compares to how much it has changed in the last month. Everything, absolutely every little thing has changed and it will never be the same again. You know how frightening that is? I had a life partner, a best friend, a wife and a soulmate…and I feel so lost without her. I know God’s plan is not always easy to comprehend but I am truly baffled as to why He took her back so soon. I pray every day and throughout the day for peace in accepting His will.
Also I was stricken with grief because it was my parents wedding anniversary today. I am so, so, so fortunate and blessed that they are still in love and together…but I feel envious as well. What a horrible feeling.
コメント