I just wrote a probably horrible journal entry regarding depression and depressing forms of expression. So I’m going to continue down this path but show how my depression can actually be fought back with faith. Not having God and faith through depression is like eating soup with a fork. You might get it down but it will take literally 100 times longer. That’s how important I feel my faith is throughout this entire process. I would be a sobbing, un-fed, unkempt, hollow shell of my former self if I didn’t have my faith in God. Not to say I don’t have moments where I embody true depression, but overall I am much stronger and wiser walking through this chapter of my life due to my faith in God. I know this may seem crazy and insanely self centered but I ponder many different thoughts at times…and I have also conjured up some odd ideas that upset me at times…like physically upset me to the point where I am squirming in my own skin. A thousand times over I have asked why God took my wife from me. I also look back and see how He built up my love for Him and my faith throughout her entire battle. I feel as though I was a boot camp recruit, a wimp in the faith army and now I’m a special forces faith soldier….horrible analogy I know. But I thought with no indication of this being true…just trying to make sense of everything…that God built up my faith knowing full well that He needed Jessica for something bigger. He prepared me, He trained me, He provided me with the one and only tool that would get me out of this situation alive…my love for God and therefore my trust and faith in His plan. Not only do I have faith in God’s plan, although at first I kept praying for answers, but I have learned through God’s messages to me that I should have faith in Not knowing His plan, Not understanding His plan and possibly NEVER even learning why He decided to take her in the first place. I learned a lot from my wife and I will continue to do so. And after going through some of her possessions I keep discovering little buried treasures. I am finding prayer cards with Jesus on them and little religious pamphlets bearing witness to her love and devotion to God. They are little reminders that God loves me and that I need to trust Him. I don’t know why God took Jessica away from me; however I am gradually coming to terms with the fact that I may never know…which is extremely hard to swallow. I have faith in God’s plan…I may not like it but I don’t have to…it is actually not important what I like and don’t like, it is important that no matter what chapter we are writing that we trust God. We cannot trust Him only when things are headed in our favor…that’s easy…trusting when life is not what we expect or desire, that is the true test.
Comentarios