A Fairytale

There have been two posts today which were very touching…one about a new life being welcomed to our world and the other about a life which has left our world for a better one. Life is fleeting and can change in an instant…this picture was taken one year ago today, 8 weeks after her passing.

I got caught up looking through hundreds and hundreds of photos today. I enjoy looking at pictures no matter how difficult, no matter how many times I need to pause and collect myself, I love each and every one. The pictures we didn’t take are the ones that haunt me. It’s hard to remember all of the beautiful moments we shared, I think it’s the shock of what has occurred…it’s cleaned out my memory a bit. I have to really focus on a particular time or event and fight to move past the recent traumatic memories which usually creep into my mind…replaying again and again…like they’re fighting for their existence. I loathe them, like they are the only memories that define our relationship and Jessica’s life. I physically shake my head as if they will shoot out of my ears. I feel my anxiety rising and my pulse races…calm down Joe…she is Healed now…she is happy now…she is not in any pain, no discomfort…no…more…fear….now breathe Joe….that’s it, good…relax….God has her now and she is happy and whole.

These pictures represent many different moments and chapters of our lives, they are so rich and full of life…well we were so rich and full of life, especially Jessica. We shared a very blessed life together. Our lives overflowed with love, happiness, passion, laughter, joy, faith and so much more. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t always a fairytale by any means but who has pictures of the difficult times, the fights and the moments that test the strength of a relationship? So when I look back at all of these pictures I believe it was a fairytale…even the last few years. However life is different from a Disney movie or a good fairytale isn’t it? In life the happy ending is something we strive for but never quite attain. Why is that? The reason is because we don’t even notice we ARE living the fairytale…the perfect existence…pure happiness. We are always looking ahead for the next instance when this, that and the other fall into place, then we’ll really be happy and everything will be perfect.

When the curtain draws in a good fable, after the prince kisses the princess, after the birds with ribbon dangling from their beaks fly off into the distance, life does not just end right then and there. That moment is not encapsulated in a bubble unaffected by time. Their story continues and hardships most likely return. A happy ending in a movie is usually quite the opposite…it’s a happy beginning…the start of some of the best moments and a part of your past when things were perfect. As I look back at our pictures I see hundreds and hundreds of perfect moments in our fairytale life. It truly breaks my heart over and over again knowing I will not create any new moments such as these with my wife ever again. The most difficult aspect is looking through her baby pictures and imagining how our children would have looked…my green eyes, her beautiful dark brown hair, perfect smile and Mediterranean skin…okay so just my eyes I guess and the rest from her…fine by me:) The dreams we created, the goals we discussed, the untold fairytales are the the things that I miss the most. This however teaches me something. It teaches me that I shouldn’t look forward to future times for happiness, it’s good to plan, dream and desire but I was experiencing true happiness and I didn’t appreciate those perfect moments as much as I should have…I got caught up living in the future and not the present.

I enjoy our pictures, they remind me of our fairytale life…and they also remind me to stay present and enjoy right now as much as I can.