3 months…3 weeks…3 days…3 minutes… doesn’t make a difference.

Sometimes I think things are getting more difficult, sometimes I think they are getting easier.

Sometimes I’m still in denial, actually most of the time I am…I can’t believe she’s gone, how did this all happen? Why Jessica? We were so faithful…unwavering faith at times…Why her and not someone else’s sweet wife? Where is she, what do you mean she’s gone??? I was just with her a moment ago, we were taking care of each other…she can’t be gone, that’s impossible…this doesn’t make any sense. This is all wrong.

Sometimes I’m in the anger phase…I’m mad, I’m frustrated, I’m furious. It builds and builds and builds…I want to flip over this fucking table and smash it against the wall….I’m praying for some poor fool to inappropriately glance in my direction…I hate it…it’s so foreign for me, I’m a peaceful, happy person, well I used to be I guess. It’s all bullshit, it’s not fair, she deserved more life, she deserved to see her plans through. I deserved to see my plans through. We deserved so much.

Sometimes I plead with God…please take me now…reunite me with my wife…let me be done with all of this, I don’t want to heal, I don’t want to accept, I don’t want to know why, I don’t want any of it….I want her back. I need her back with me, we should be together, we’re supposed to be together…always.

Sometimes I’m in the depressed phase, I actually fade in and out of this phase daily, hourly at times…like a buzzing light bulb fighting for it’s final few hours of illumination. I hate everything. Everything I’m doing is meaningless. Nothing makes me feel better, nothing dulls the pain…only distracts me from being aware of it’s constant throbbing.

Everyone woman shows similarities of my lovely Jessica in one way or another…their doe like eyes…their genuine smile…their love of laughter…their moments of joy…their femininity…their love for another.

Every little girl reminds me of what I’ll never have with Jessica, of what Jess used to be…the innocence, the joy, the perfection in every way.

Every couple cuddling, laughing, arguing, smiling, teasing, tickling, crying, embracing and just sitting on a bench reading together is like a dagger reminding me of the reality of my existence.

Every gift she would have loved, every design that would have inspired her, every person she would have immediately clicked with, every joke she would have fell over laughing at, every moment she would have adored, every scenic vista she would have captured, anything and everything that encapsulates Jessica’s being is constantly reminding me that she’s gone…and that she’s missing out on this life…our life.

Sometimes I’m in all of these phases many times over throughout my day. It replays over and over again so I try to keep extremely busy to distract myself from the truth. I process my conscious mindset when I need to but I hate the pain which follows, it’s frightening…like when you know something bad is about to happen in a movie and you’re waiting in a tense expectancy. I hate the suspense of the impending sorrow…it rises and rises until my pot boils over. The range of emotions I run through every day is overwhelming, it’s exhausting, I’m emotionally, mentally and physically spent. My faith is strong though and my love for my family, friends and new experiences is also strong. I want to make Jessica proud…I want to honor her life. It’s what keeps me going…pushing further, harder, deeper. This is all so very difficult.

None of the time…never…do I experience acceptance. The mere mention of that word makes me sick…I squirm at the thought of disgracing my wife’s memory with accepting her passing. Never.

3 months have passed and I have no better grasp on my reality…actually I think I’m further from coming to grip with it all due to where I am and what I’m doing…it’s all a dream, this can’t be real. I have not processed my loss, I miss my beautiful bride so very much every day…I pray to God constantly for His Healing Grace and Jessica’s love and guidance.

“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: 2 a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; 3 a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; 4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.”

Ecclesiastes 3:1-4