“3 years ago today, 55 of our closest friends and family traveled to Costa Rica to share a special week celebrating life and love. It was a week I could do over and over. I married my best, someone I knew will always have my back and love and fight for and protect me. He’s also the man that tells me I’m beautiful every single day, even when this disease makes me feel less than. Joey thank you for loving me, believing in me and walking through this journey with me. The Lord knows I wouldn’t be able to do it on my own. I love you. You are a blessing, Happy Anniversary My Love!”
Jessica posted this in 2014, on our last anniversary together, a few months before she passed. Her sentiments are a stamp of truth placed right on the cover of our tale. We were married in 2011, together for about seven years prior, and then she was diagnosed less than a year later. It was a rough season for us, but truth be told it was an opportunity for growth. I of course was blind to this fact at the moment, but now it emboldens my perception on just about everything. The mere chance of death burns away most surface obstacles and trivial annoyances in the typical relationship. Now I can’t say for certain what kind of relationship Jessica and I shared, because I can’t compare it to anything else I’ve experienced, but it seemed quite special to say the least.
We however, had our problems. I will never try to hide this fact because frankly speaking, I’m proud we were able to evolve beyond them. We succeeded, regardless of it being by dedicating time and effort working on our character flaws, or whether it was a mere byproduct of our journey together as we fought the uncertainty of life. What I mean by this is when someone faces “death” or the utter loss of all that one knows, all these other surface, bullshit obstacles dissolve by merely confronting mortality. And from my experience this occurs through compassion. Through honestly dedicating oneself to be as compassionate, empathetic, and loving as possible. I for her and she for me. For we each faced death in our own way, and knowing this we no longer invested in defending our supposedly attacked egos, or standing by insecurities woven into the fabric of our false sense of identity. I knew then what was vital, real, important, and this was my truth.
For example, I was an inpatient ass sometimes, especially with Jess. And I cannot in good consciousness illuminate her specific shortcomings, but I am okay with stating she had them, just as we all do. That was before her cancer nearly took her life away… forcing us into a war stricken with panic, misery, and fear. “Will I live? - Will she live?” This is a rather serious consideration. But with this question truth reveals itself. And through this truth I realized compassion must be my new identity. I must embody it, wholly. And with this determination, my patience blossomed, my tenderness expanded, I gave two shits about being right with her anymore, I only cared about being as selfless, patient, adoring, empathetic, sweet, and loving as I possibly could in any given moment.
Our compassion, our love for one another evolved beyond anything I had ever know prior. And through our battle Jessica was the sweetest person I have ever encountered. Her grace was nothing short of inspiring. I still cannot fathom how she maintained such decency, such patience, such tenderness… all while under such a threat. That version of her still inspires me to this day. And no matter what I may be able to perceive about our relationship or not, we were always deeply, and devoutly in love with one another. And this was prior to when we allowed ourselves to love without compromise, without the fallacy of life veiling over truth… the truth of what love really is. Compassion, empathy, tenderness, patience, adoration, and selflessness, unmolested by variables outside of these attributes… and the choice to embody them for the sake of another.
I’d walk into our bedroom, clad in a suit, happy to be back with her where I felt I should be and not working/commuting. Upon seeing her I’d melt. Jess reacted the same way, her face lit up, her tone was riddled with excitement, and she made me feel like freaking Superman… well Clark Kent actually cuz of the suit and everything but you get the point. Her high pitched excitement embraced me first, “Myyyyy Hero!!!” Okay she never said that unless she was busting my balls. “High baby!” My heart surged, I felt like a dog greeting its human. Usually I would find her resting in this huge cushy chair we brought up from the basement for her. It was a hideous bastard but super comfy. I’d kneel down before her, we’d share a kiss, then I’d bury my face in her neck, smothering myself within her aroma, her softness, her love. We melted into one another as if I made it out alive from WW2. This was almost every day, when a health crisis wasn’t vying for our attention. I would ask her about her day, she mine, and we’d just listen to one another, encourage one another all through simple adoration for what we knew we were blessed to share.
Behaving in this accord is by choice, sometimes we can’t see beyond ourselves so this truth remains hidden. We all know that “death” is always advancing, for each of us… so why wait until it’s upon our doorstep to notice the truth peeking over its shoulder? Why not allow compassion, empathy, and love to saturate our existence, to rely on these three attributes within any given moment with those we love as well as those we don’t?
I know this may sound a bit strange but when you care for someone in this kind of situation, battling mortality, it’s as if some paternal instinct kicks in. I see it all the time with nurses, who are literally the best humans. We should swap out all the politicians with the nurses and Voilà! 100% of governmental problems completely resolved except for all the hospital fires. She was more than just my wife, my partner, she was my responsibility. What would it look like if we were able to treat one another in this fashion; imagine the compassion, the unwavering patience, the utter adoration, the surge of unnecessary social media pictures. That level of love, what a parent has for their child, that’s something to shoot for.
You may be wondering why I chose to share this particular picture of Jessica. Because within it I see the version of my Beloved who I loved the most. This was in the hospital, around our anniversary, and she was being carted off to some surgery for some complication. But look closely at her countenance; it’s joyous, heroic, budding with love… for she embodied that love even in that moment. She was my Superman. And although nothing will replace her boisterous laugh, the aroma saturated within her neck, her sustaining embrace, or her sweet whispers… I am sustained by a truth which was impossible to understand once before. There is no death, only love, for it never fades and never evades. But we must realize this truth, and allow it to sustain us.
So I reply to her sentiments some years ago. I will always love you Jessica, not in the way I once did, but in a way which transcends my love prior. I will always believe in you, but more so I will believe in the truth which we learned together. And I will always continue to walk alongside you… because of the truth which serves as a compass to my heart. This is love, and this radiates from within, it isn’t what I have… but who I am, because of you. Happy Anniversary, Beloved.
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