The Setting Sun

The sunsets are my favorite part of the day, I hope to see them all during my time here in Costa Rica. I’m reading a few books right now and one of them mentions having “peek experiences”…moments in our existence which we find peace, stillness, silence and clarity. One of the examples used for a peak experience is a sunset, and for good reason…everyone can relate to the power of our majestic sun being swallowed up by our equally majestic ocean and the awe-inspiring spectacle of iridescence that follows…this 20 minute Godly occurrence can influence anyone’s mindset…even their life. I have been trying to find these moments throughout my day, working to create them…to find peace, clarity, silence and stillness…not only during a setting sun but in everything I undertake. I truly have become more successful at staying present over the past few years. I was forced to when taking care of Jessica…everything became so very stressful, so unimaginably difficult so I was forced to adapt…I learned how to survive from day to day…moment to moment so that I could stay on top of everything; handle moving out of our home and into another, manage a company for my job and then our own health and wellness business, handle all of our finances, stay on top of every little prescription & holistic treatment (sometimes 50-60 timers going off a day), preparing meals both for treatment and for sustenance, bathing, bathroom trips, doctor appointments, radiation appointments, surgeries, daily in home procedures and so much more. The most important thing that I did though…the reason I needed to adapt into a new existence was all for just one reason…to stay faithful for Jessica, for us. To never allow our obstacles to be greater than our hope, faith and ultimately our belief. If I tried to manage too much I would feel the weight adding up and I would start to experience fear…asking the wrong questions and conjuring up horribly negative and contrary beliefs. This was not what we needed, this would not get my wife through her battle…me being scared, thinking the worst and letting my faith dwindle under the immense weight that I was carrying, for her, for my family, my friends, even my church. I was so faithful because I could manage it all, there was nothing too overbearing…nothing too difficult…just “bumps in the road” as we used to say. I look back and ask myself how I got through it all and I know the answer…God taught me to adapt, guided me through everything…even her passing…as He continues to do. I have learned so very much over the past few years which has lead me to notice changes within…I almost feel old in a way…more aware and possibly wiser. As I sit here, over 3000 miles and 6 months away from that life…that truly insurmountable reality…and notice I have nothing at all to manage on a day to day basis…no errands, no phone calls, no appointments, no leading my team, reporting to my boss, taking care of my sweet Jessica…absolutely nothing…and it’s so easy to stay present…except when I think of her, but I’m okay with that…because I know she is here with me. There are signs everywhere and I feel her when I’m the loneliest…when I miss everyone back home…when I miss her the most…and she’s right here sitting next to me as I watch the crimson sun pass into our sea…and I feel a different kind of peace…a peace I have never felt before…and I sense my faith has changed, matured even…it feels older in a way…more aware and possibly wiser.