The Roles We Play

The most wonderful & loving spouse….Future parent to our children…Best friend…Favorite kisser…Ideal life partner…pushes your companion to be better…to be more…The most special cooking partner…Sweetest kisser…Perfect snuggler…Favorite laugh…Most beautiful smile…Best person to pray with…Most inspirational soul…Gentlest lover…Kindest & sweetest companion…Most courageous mate…Adventure seeking spirit…Healthy leader…Most generous soul…A true & loving inspiration to your spouse. You were unstoppable, bubbling over with love…brimming with dedication…permeated with determination…overflowing with faith…filled with courage and truly whole with your love for God.

In one moment…six months ago…I lost everything on this list and more. All in one moment this was taken away from me…and not just in the obvious way…losing it from you, Jessica Marie, as you could no longer be these things for me. I also realized…much later…that I also lost being them for you. Some moments I struggle with your passing and others with what feels like mine…the best of parts of me…my favorite roles in this life I no longer play. I miss being them…playing these different parts each and every day and then in one moment six months ago they were ripped away from me…in two ways…true and absolute loss.

It has been 6 months since you left this world but I feel these same titles, roles & attributes have placed you among your Heavenly Father…reunited you with your earthly father and secured a guardian angel for myself and others. I never imagined I would be here…writing this…six months after you left me…having to manage such loss…such grief. I miss you so very much and at times it’s truly unbearable, torturous actually…but I know you’ve been here with me, by my side…loving me. I know it’s time for me to begin playing new roles and to strengthen the ones I currently have in this life. I need to heal baby, I need to become stronger, wiser, healthier and begin loving myself again…and increase my love for God. So tomorrow I’m leaving…a self discovery voyage with many goals and plans for my rejuvenation…and I will need your help, I will need to hear your guidance, smell your sweet gentle affection, see your spirit working in my life and feel your love in all that I do…because everything I do is still all for you, to make you proud and to honor you…my true love. Nothing has changed…I live for you, I live for our Lord and God and I need you both to help me start living for me…and I know you can because you are whole, you are healed and you are truly in Gods hands. I love you my dear and I’ll be waiting for you in Costa Rica, but more likely I know you’ll be waiting for me…