Loneliness is a newfound acquaintance…one I have truly never had the “pleasure” of knowing in my adult years…Jessica and I have had each other for over a decade. I look back and remember how absolutely perfect life was…and I miss that temporary perfection…now at times I feel all that’s left is the solitude which has filled the void created by her passing. I truly miss my wife, my old life, my old self even…I miss not knowing the desolation. Even when I’m with my closest loved ones I feel secluded…there’s just no substitute for what I had…but it’s especially lonely without some of my deeper relationships to lean on in person. I chose this life out here though…I chose this solace so that I could discover for myself the hardship I would need to overcome…what it would be like without her…without any distractions hiding this painful truth.
I have made some wonderful friendships out here though…but it can get exhausting telling the same story over and over again…and making new friends typically means sharing at least some aspect of your recent life…how can I possibly dodge opening up to anyone without divulging my recent loss of almost everything I’ve known. The weight of just sharing my story is such a profound burden at times…especially sharing such a sorrowful story in a seemingly utopian setting. It can be physically exhausting to me…reliving in a way all that has happened and having to face that surreal truth over and over again…impatiently awaiting the awkward condolence from my newfound friend. I assume nobody even likes hearing these kinds of stories…once again especially in paradise…but I guess if the tables were turned and Jess and I were temporarily sharing an existence with some newfound friend working his way through such a traumatic loss we would feel humbled just to be two sets of open ears and loving hearts for him to lean on if necessary. Not everyone desires to play that role for others though…some because they can’t and others because they choose not to. Some don’t like to face the fact that life is unfair…because life is curious in that respect. I look back at my fortunate upbringing and how society slowly fills our minds with the premise that life is fair. That we will get what we want usually through hard work, dedication and integrity…our fairytale life is already mapped out and your role, the one you desire, is just within reach…all in due time. The successful career, a loving spouse, healthy & happy children, a beautiful home, wonderful vacations, cheerful grandparents, amazing lifelong friendships, health and true happiness…the total meaningful and complete existence…your long awaited identity is now cemented in the book of life.
I think handling despair, working through grief and even the hiccups of day to day life would be much more manageable if we were not hypnotized with the fallacy that life is fair. I know I would have. The bible mentions numerous times that difficult chapters within life will unfold…but we want to shelter each other, especially our children from this harsh truth…I know Jessica and I would have wanted to shelter our children from it. Now though…it’s different of course…I look back at how much I took for granted…that deceiving feeling of being invincible…like you’re only going to get stronger in all respects and life will only get better…everything will fall into place as it should, why wouldn’t it…I deserve it. Well unfortunately that is not how life unfolds, not for anyone…at least not forever.
I just happened to learn this arduous truth a few years prior and of course it was made blatantly clear 8 months ago. Sometimes I curse the skies and ask “Why Jessica?…Why me?” when I have my rough moments but I have learned and accepted the truth that life is truly just not fair. On my good days, which far outnumber my bad…I thank Jessica…I literally thank my beautiful wife for all that she has done for me…and I ask her to continue to do so until we meet again…and I know she hears my prayers. I then thank God for the time I shared with my wife for I know there are many out there who have never experienced what I have been blessed with…and many more have learned the hard truths of life’s unfairness much sooner than I. The Lord hears my prayers of gratitude for blessing me with such an amazing, educating, inspiring and love filled decade with my soulmate…thousands of blissful moments…and even the wisdom I have gained through her loss. I can’t help but feel guilty for the blessings which have come after her passing…the new friends I have made…the wisdom I have gained…the spiritual and emotional growth I have encountered and more…all due to Jessica’s death. Now, as I sit in my truck, driving down a Costa Rican dirt road with the sun’s glistening light flashing across my face, the breeze cooling my skin from the heat and drying the sea’s remnants from my hair…I expect nothing from life…I don’t desire the way I did…I don’t take for granted the blessings which have been placed upon me and I fear nothing…there is nothing left to fear…not even the solitude.
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