The mind wanders through grief…exploring all aspects of your situation and even further…pondering about the what if’s and why me’s…
The other day I thought about how if the roles were reversed…if I passed and Jess was still here. It seriously breaks my heart when I think of her having to go through all of this…especially since she’s much more emotional than I…all of the pain, torment, sleepless nights…the constant crying and unbearable loneliness…her absolute depression encompassing her entire life…and some very dark and scary days. I also think of what she would use to get through it all…relying on both of our families for support and love…they would partially help fill the void left from my passing. The unbelievable outpouring of support and love from friends new and old that would keep her busy…keep her distracted from the truth and be with her so she wasn’t alone. She would rely on her church and faith even more so than I…it would be a staple in her mourning process. I know she would be extremely strong at times too…but it’s the hardship that makes me cringe…too much pain for such an angel.
I don’t know if she would do what I’m doing…I also don’t know if I’d want her to do what I’m doing as well. I guess I’d want her to be surrounded by loved ones because the thought of her being alone the way I’m alone crushes my heart like a vice. I become physically ill thinking of Jessica having to bear the weight of everything…especially after her father’s passing. I think of how alone I feel without her and the thought of her being this lonely…without our love…is nothing short of the most terrifying feeling I’ve ever experienced. She is too sweet and loving to have to suffer through all of this.
I know it must sound horrible and all…that I’m actually happy I’m here instead of her in some ways…but it’s only so that she wouldn’t have to live through this unbelievable difficult time…in other ways though she would reach far beyond what I could attain with my life…like how influential, inspirational and abundantly loving & caring she was…I did believe with all of my heart that she was going to be something big…someone who would help millions live better lives. I would trade places with her in a heartbeat if I could for that reason alone…because I know she would make this world a healthier and seriously happier place for so many.
It’s odd how you ponder these kinds of things…like there’s any point in it all…concluding on complicated alternate existences based on numerous variables that will never be. Kind of silly I guess but I cannot help but search every corner of my mind looking for solace of some sort…looking for answers to the endless amount of riddles which I already know will never be solved.
I can only be certain of a few things so far:
-I want to make her proud by honoring her through helping others.
-I know my life is forever changed, I will never be the same again…my path uncertain but clearly not what I imagined 8 months ago…but I leave it all in God’s hands…not expecting anything but praying for so much.
-I am blessed to have so much support from family, friends and even strangers.
-Jessica is with me and looking over me…loving me.
-God loves me.
I cannot wait to be reunited with my sweet wife and it certainly helps knowing she is beyond blissful in Heaven…knowing that her existence is unimaginably joyous…infinitely surpassing even our love for each other. It brings me a small amount of peace knowing she doesn’t have to suffer anymore…that she doesn’t have to live through any more loss and hardship…at times I’m envious of my sweet Jessica…God has blessed her with eternal life.
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