Putting the Pieces Together

As is customary upon a trip to Chicago I found myself rubbing shoulders with my father as we tackled our first task. You see every homecoming a project list is waiting for me like a third parent. I actually look forward to these tasks because the undertaking usually provides an opportunity reminiscent of the good ole’ construction days. I can still hear Pops say, “You know if you weren’t my son I would have fired you several times already.” What is family for if not to test one’s limitations? You’re welcome Dad. Item número uno; assemble furniture without instructions, without having previously seen it assembled, and without all the parts. Not to boast but between the two of us it was a breeze. I was barely threatened with termination and it was mentally stimulating, there’s nothing like a good puzzle. During our search for spare parts I stumbled upon a rather invaluable discovery which literally took my breath away. To another it might seem a bit silly to get overly excited over such a treasure but I was simply floored. It was an actual puzzle, like the ones kids would occupy themselves with before screens monopolized amusement.

The cartoonish depiction featuring the infamous Chicago river enveloped by auburn bridges and a towering skyline was about 75 percent completed. My inner monologue began to inquire over the reason it remained unfinished but went utterly silent as I realized Jessica was the one responsible. That was the moment my breath retreated. I was holding within my grasp something which her fingers had toyed with a month or so prior to her passing… in all these years I had yet to happen upon something so tangibly surreal. So what does one do with such a unique gift? Well finish it of course.

As I searched for the upper river portion I smiled with the idea of how some years prior, Jess must have twirled a random piece or two between her fingertips. My mind summoned memories of returning home from work to find her fixated on another puzzle. She loved gnawing on these mental obstacles as the cancer battle robbed her of simple daily pleasures as well as life’s more significant pursuits. Many people aren’t familiar with the depth of Jessica’s battle but she underwent nearly a dozen procedures including a lifesaving brain surgery at one point. Jess was an artist at heart, and thus she found fulfillment in creation. But with the disease, complications, and treatments suppressing her physical ability and mental cognisance, puzzles were a simple joy in which she could stimulate her mind and create. My being brims with satisfaction as I recall her focus and beaming pride over the completion of another puzzle. My heart ran the gauntlet of emotion as I filled in the missing pockets and quickly realized two truths. The first settled in with a bit of humbled laughter as I firmly determined even with an impaired cognizance Jessica was far better at puzzles than I. The second being I felt truly honored to be able to finish what she started.

I know it seems almost silly considering it’s just a puzzle… but I could somehow sense her energy within the pieces and feel her smile as I shared in each minor accomplishment of filling a gap. I enjoyed riding this wave of heightened connection as the picture came together… taking longer than it should have but faster than desired. And I’m also pretty sure there’s a few pieces missing. As the remaining skyline was assembled I began to reflect upon this very moment… considering who I am now compared to who I was back when Jessica’s fingers glided across this waxy surface. One of the many difficult aspects of losing a spouse is realizing your personal identities are all… well, an illusion of sorts. After this realization you must find your way again but I do consider myself blessed to be viewing life with a completely different perspective, one of liberation. The downside however was this new outlook lacked the joint purpose I once invested so heavily within. It has been difficult to realize the distinction between my own personal goals, the ones shared between us both, and lastly those pursued solely for my love of her.

I’ll catch a meme of baby goats passing out from an unexpected shock and can’t help but laugh for a couple of reasons. First, because petrified baby goats falling over from fright is some entertaining shit and secondly because of prior moments with Jess. She looks up from our CHEW marketing project, glaring at me with unmatched sincerity, “Baby we should just go live somewhere in the countryside, like on a ranch in Montana and raise baby goats.” Years of experienced mental instruction kick in… don’t laugh, just nod and bite your lip while humming, “Uh-huh.” “We’d have Belly and Hobo of course, probably a couple more dogs to help us and a fewww other pets too.” My lips part to inquire about what exactly happens to those cute baby goats once they’ve matured beyond adolescence… “Of course honey, whatever you want.” I’m sure she would have said we’ll just release them into the wild or something, Duh. After several assurances of conducting Montana real estate searches while Jess investigates baby goat care she beamed with satisfaction before returning our attention back to work.

The river portion is finally complete but these damn building sections all look the same and I absolutely must be missing pieces. My tongue swipes my upper lip as if I’m the Michael Jordan of puzzle assembly while leaning sideways in an attempt to block the sun’s reflecting glare. Did I see our true purpose consisting of raising baby goats on a ranch in the middle of Montana? Not exactly, but I recall smiling at the simplicity and sweetness of the idea. Then again I would have raised tarantulas on a swamp in Delaware if that’s what she wanted because that’s what you do when you’re in love. With a firmly cemented relationship one’s fulfillment, purpose, and emotional sustenance ceases to exist from outside sources. Your spirit is sustained merely from the unwavering, mutual love shared with another. But when the tangible love and adoration ceased to exist, I was forced to learn quite a few hard truths… one of them being the way I was living & loving was unsustainable. I know I’ve struggled defining the lines between my purpose, our joint purpose, and those fueled by my love for her… desiring something as if that alone would help keep her memory alive and honor her in some small way. These types of lessons, like a good puzzle, take time to coalesce.

I know I’m not meant to live alone in the middle of Montana raising baby goats just to honor my late wife. I would however totally Airbnb a goat ranch for a week while I test different scare tactics… don’t worry I’ll share the results on FB. But that doesn’t mean I won’t continue to honor Jessica and what we shared. And the best way I can think to do so is by sharing our story as well as my own since her passing. I wish to show others that a profound, celestial love beyond our understanding exists. Not just between Jessica and I, couples, or children and parents… but for everyone as long as your perspective, your love is sustainable. The love we shared wasn’t a testament to us but to love in general… proof of the love God embodies for each and every one of us. It’s there but won’t truly shine within fleeting pursuits, goals, and desires but within the depthness of compassion, empathy, & love. For me the puzzle of life has filled in at an accelerated rate these past five or so years but the picture is blossoming into something more ethereal than I could have ever conceived. Done. I hover above this nearly completed puzzle as I was missing a few pieces, but this suits me just fine. I may find them one day and finally finish what we started.