“No… don’t do it… just don’t do it. There’s so much to consider and think of all the reasons we’ve already discussed, repeatedly I might add, all which favor the safe route.”
I know, I know but then why do I keep coming back to this, this incessant longing. I can’t shake it. I don’t know the source, and the reasons don’t make sense… but yet it still endures.
“I’m trying to protect you, this is for your own good… why can’t you understand that?”
I get that, but there must be something more… otherwise why would I have this yearning within? I can’t just discredit this constant urge beckoning me, can I?
“They’ll laugh at you, it will destroy your sense of worth, it’s too much of a risk.”
What isn’t a risk? Isn’t it also a risk not pursuing it… I mean never knowing what could have been… isn’t that a risk?
“You’ll regret it… you’ll look back one day, at this very moment right now and think if only I could take that back. If only I could reverse that decision and save myself the pain it caused.”
I could say that about a few dozen of my decisions, but how else can I know unless I… well unless I commit to them? Maybe they didn’t turn out as planned but if I didn’t commit then how would I have ever known… ever learned from the experience?
“You’ll just fail again, this is not your path… it’s a dream, a mere fantasy dancing on the fringe of delusion.”
But why then? Just answer me that. Why am drawn to it like some unperceived sustenance? I feel like somehow, it doesn’t originate from me… from somewhere deeper, something bigger.
“It’s too hard, just too much work… think of what you’ll have to give up, are you willing to give all that up?”
I know it doesn’t make total sense but why then is it there, like some undetectable enticement fueling my being with mere possibility. Just the thought of giving all this up and pursuing it seems to free me in some small way.
“You will let them down, all their hopes and dreams, all those years of investment, does that mean nothing to you? It’s selfish, living your life this way, just selfish.”
But it’s my life, how can I not be concerned with what’s best for me while living my own life? Especially when it may be my purpose? It may even help others. Am I doing either of those now?
“It’ll be painful, watching as one after another cease to support you, and knowing fully all the while you’re responsible for making them turn their backs on you. All that by walking down this path.”
But everything you’re saying is mere possibility… there’s no proof that any of your reason will come to fruition.
“But there’s also no proof that it will all work out either, you have no proof that everything will be okay… my way is at least safer.”
I agree with you, on the first part anyway… so let’s eliminate possibility from the equation and just go off what we know. We can’t determine the future by any means but we can understand what is real right now, in this moment. And what truly exists is this incessant urge pulsating within my being like some kind of phantom heartbeat.
“But my way is safer. Think about everything you’re giving up, all that you’ll lose?”
Safe, nothing is certain… this lesson I already know too well. And we agreed, eliminate possibility… you can’t prove I’ll have to give anything up just as I can’t prove it will all work out like a fairytale. As we eliminate possibility we must also eliminate assumptions, which include which way will be safer.
“But…”
No butts. And here’s something to consider, an advantage of sorts in taking this path. This reason alone could be enough to tip the scales… but only if I surrender to it; I will know what it feels like to at least try. One day I’ll be able to look back without regret… All. For. Merely. Trying. That’s gotta be worth something, right? That alone might be everything. A life to be proud of for someone looking back upon their deathbed. This kind of realization is knowledge maturing into wisdom… true understanding. Imagine looking back, knowing that I’ve pursued my dreams rejecting fear… the sheer notion alone emboldens me. And here’s the fascinating aspect, within that mere pursuit I’ve already won. For it is not within success in which I taste fulfillment… but within the ceaseless pursuit of my purpose. The pursuit in of itself is the success. I won’t listen to you because I’m not scared anymore. I understand and I see clearly without you veiling my truth. I’ve silenced you, the fear.. for there’s nothing to fear as well as nothing to expect. I’ve already won with this realization… and this illumination alone is my liberation, my success.
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