Yesterday would have marked our four year anniversary…sometimes my mind fantasizes over endless alternate existences over how we could have been celebrating our marriage and our lives together…preparing for children, growing our health & wellness business, buying a house…all with the possibility of Jess being completely healed…it makes my heart flutter imagining what could have been. Even the idea of still being able to care for my wife through her healing is something my heart endlessly longs for. But here I am…back in a country we both truly loved only without her…driving down these amazing rainforest lined roads in Costa Rica and spending time with friends & family, trying to recreate a little of the Heaven we all experienced 4 years prior. Some of my fondest memories continue to flood my consciousness; proposing cliff side while the sun set into the sea below, just beyond a bus stop I might add…teaching her how to drive a stick shift car while being pursued by a pack of wild dogs…making friends with all the locals and growing fonder of the Pura Vida culture…horseback riding through the mountains on a newly made friend’s ranch…driving throughout the countryside, getting lost in adventure and enjoying our highly desired beach lifestyle…planning our wedding while suffering through tornados, earth quakes, tropical storms and more, enough to make us think twice about our destination ceremony…white parties, yacht parties, pool parties, zip-lining and being blessed enough to be able to share it all with some of our closest loved ones…and most importantly experiencing a fairytale wedding atop of a mountain overlooking God’s magnificence while committing ourselves to each other forever…ultimately falling more deeply in love than we could have ever imagined…through sickness and health…through good times and bad…until death due us part. We kept all of our oaths except the last…for death has not parted us…but has intertwined our souls eternally. We were faced with some extremely difficult challenges…the hardest for me was of course being truly blindsided by her passing, in this moment still I cannot grasp the magnitude of the situation…I don’t believe the day will ever pass here on God’s green earth when I will be truly capable of doing so.
It has been quite difficult reliving all of these memories…especially not being able to hold her hand as we stroll down the beach, missing her legs wrapped around me as we wade through the pool and feeling her head lay upon my shoulder as we admire the awe of the setting sun. Over the past 8 months I’ve been spending an immense amount of time trying to figure out how to work through this debilitating loss…contemplating what to do and how to live now that I’m starting over in a way…most importantly how to continue to make my wife proud. I believe keeping this as my goal, for the time being, is the best way to successfully work through my time mourning the loss of Jessica. When I stumble I get upset and I feel that I could do better…my suffering and calling to honor her push me to try harder…and ultimately do more…do better…guiding me through my grief. It helps so very much to be a positive force within this world but no matter how many English words I pronounce with intrigued children, monkeys I feed, women I teach to defend themselves, children’s smiles I help create while they battle their illnesses, supplies I buy for disabled or how much money I raise for numerous causes my Jessica will not be returned to me. I know this but I also know that I feel better…closer to her…when I help others in her honor.
There are many ways to honor my beautiful wife and I have discovered through my grief that loving the ones dearest to both of us is as important to me if not more so compared to the charitable work I perform. Helping my family smile, hearing my friends laugh, sharing stories of loved ones passed and just celebrating our love for each other is a very powerful way of paying tribute to our loved ones who have recently passed; Jessica, my father in law Hutch and my grandfather. It helps strengthen my spirit and gives me peace when I celebrate the relationships that Jessica and I worked so hard to keep, improve and honor. So on what would have been our four year wedding anniversary my family, friends and I sent up wish lanterns into the Costa Rican sky on the beach we overlooked while committing ourselves to each other four years ago. I noticed the wind blowing in shore…the opposite direction ideal for a ceremony like this…so I prayed to Jessica and asked for her help to correct the wind…as we walked back out to the beach after a wonderful dinner together, my prayers had been answered…I knew she was there with me..there to help us all.
As we released these beautiful lanterns into the starry night above, I asked everyone to pray for our loved ones both here and in Heaven, release any fear, anxiety, grief, obstacles and negative emotion into the nighttime sky along with the lantern. As the bonfire lit up our beautiful beach and the guitarist played a sweet melody, we sent our love into the Heavens…we laughed together, cried together, comforted each other, sang together and what felt like healed a little bit…all together. I felt my sweet wife’s presence as the wind carried my wish to the Heavens above…bringing me another touch of peace as I added some stars to the nighttime sky in her honor.
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