Love is the most important part of my life. This must seem like a somewhat general and kind of “duh” statement but love was not always my first priority. Now at times I feel like it’s my only priority. Before my wife’s battle with cancer I feel that my understanding of love was mostly superficial…kind of only extending just past the surface of the true meaning…I didn’t delve into the depths or search for the honest and true essence of what love means. I knew it was important, it was everything between Jessica and I…especially near the end when there was nothing else which remained.
Throughout our struggle our obstacles grew and multiplied…it was tremendously challenging as a new one arose…especially when we were still trying our best to wrestle several current hardships into submission. These obstacles were tests of faith and strength…we didn’t let them defeat our positive outlook and belief in God’s love for us. They however, also did something at the time I was unaware they were doing…slowly and steadily they were burning away at the insecurities and surface layer issues which secured themselves within our marriage and relationship over the past decade. Our relationship was being cleansed…like a fire raging through your home and all that you manage to save is your family…nothing else matters…nothing else in that terrifying and insanely strenuous moment matters or is worth saving but what you actually deeply and truly love. Not furniture that says “this is me”, or a house on its way to fulfilling your dream home, the perfect wardrobe, photos telling your story, jewelry, money or even heirlooms. Only true love matters, our family is safe…my love is safe.
Like a purging fire these obstacles slowly burned through our insecurities and issues…creeping from room to room…devouring all that we once thought was crucial within our existence…allowing the flames to consume everything…our insecurities, flaws, misconceptions, grievances, annoyances and emotional baggage…absolved through our battle for life and death. As I would look into her eyes for the mere moments they were open each day…as I picked her up and carried her from place to place…as her sweet whispers tickled my neck and ears…sending shivers down my spine…my heart would abound, it would beat proudly…growing with our love…allowing the only honest and important aspect of life to not only survive but to actually blossom off the ash of the insignificances. Pure love, true and unaltered love was all that remained, it was all we could manage…
It’s still with me as of this day and seemingly growing stronger as well. I’ve learned the importance of allowing this love to flow between my family, friends, random people and complete strangers alike. We’re all craving it and we’re all able to supply it freely. I was fortunate enough to spend a week with my father out here in Guatemala and we definitely had some adventures. Some bumps in the road…literally…that caused my truck to break down on the highway. I pulled over and together, as father and son, we fixed this old classic truck and got it running. It was quite a gratifying moment for me…not only because we were able to overcome our problem but because I was able to share this moment with him, the stress, the indefinite, the hope & faith, the comedy, the elation…and the love. We sat together over dinner the following evening, dad sharing stories from his childhood getting into trouble…tales from days in school…and some of the atrocities he had to witness while at war…some extremely heavy conversation to say the least. As I listened, I sat in awe of this man…this man I am blessed to call my father…my heart is breaking, yet again abounding with respect and love…for I can only imagine the struggles he faced emotionally through his most difficult chapters…yet here we sit with mutual admiration for vastly different voyages and our love for each other…because we know how much the other has suffered, because we all have suffered to some degree…all of us.
I will not forget what my struggle for my wife’s life has taught me. That battle…that horrible chapter and the wisdom gained about love and the extreme importance will never be forgotten. Love has many layers and I’m discovering new ones almost daily…it’s a beautiful feeling to look around and accept all that is there just waiting to love me…waiting for me to love it. Everywhere I look, the earth we walk upon, the air we breathe, the things we see…the life that unfolds in front of us and all around. The people, oh how easily I used to judge them without reason…so very unnecessary. They too are desiring love just as I am…and I will not forget this when a judgement tries to wiggle it’s way into my mind or a fear attempts to crawl into my heart. I will remember that all it takes is just a pleasant nod…a simple smile…a hello and I will witness tension release from their body as they stand up straighter and smile…welcoming your love and returning it right back. It’s there, it’s right there for us and all we have to do is let it surface above our insecurities…rise above our judgements…and conquer our fear…letting love prevail.
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