When Jessica and I were together here on earth I felt that our love increased each and every day. Literally I felt my heart growing more fond of her as time passed, we discussed this numerous times and she experienced the same growth. My love for her continues to grow every day…still…and as this may sound very romantic and joyous but it actually is somewhat difficult at times…more so when I experience the truly depressing and challenging days. One day last week was the most difficult day since I’ve arrived here…I’m trying to take notion of everything I experience for many different reasons…much has changed. It must sound odd but I am seeing the world in a different light…sometimes I think I’m seeing it for the first time. There is an impossible amount of beauty in nature and I like to write about how I interpret it and what I see…on a good day this provides comfort, I enjoy trying to capture the essence of what my artistic being “sees” through writing…even through poetry. There is however the other end of the spectrum as they say…on bad days the beauty of nature becomes overwhelming, I’m not sure completely why this happens but I know it is in part due to my heightened emotional sensitivity. Throughout the daunting and depressing days, when I can’t concentrate on anything but how much I miss her…how much I need her…falling into a bottomless hole…recalling the very challenging times we went through while battling her disease…I become extremely sensitive to the environment around me. The other day was one of those times where I felt in that very moment…that I just lost everything in my life…absolutely everything…where the hell am I again…what am I doing here…who am I anymore? I felt like running away but knew that wouldn’t make any difference…I’ve already tried. It was all to overwhelming and I needed to release some of this overwhelming emotional buildup from my body…a healthy workout might do the trick…so I decided on a run down the beach. I stopped after ten minutes to take in the view…looking at the close to setting sun was as difficult as ever…usually when I enter the beach my heart literally skips a beat and my wind is shortened upon seeing the entire scene laid out before me…this was compounded ten fold that day. I know that something after Jessica’s passing has ignited a insatiable hunger for artistic creativity, it has been a gradual buildup…but now sometimes all I want to do is write…capture and recall my most prominent moments…good & bad.
Anyway, sorry to get off track…I stopped after ten minutes of running down the beach and I’m standing in the water…it’s near a large break and so the waves coming in aren’t rustling up the sand beneath the surface…I can clearly see my feet and the ocean floor…unlike where I usually take in the view. So I’m looking down and watching the rounded little waves come into shore and as they pass me the sun is shining through them at just the perfect angle…the yellowish orange glimmer is shining through these waves and seemingly illuminating them internally as they roll into shore, the sand beneath the water was reflecting the sun’s warm reach as well…glistening like a starry night during a new moon. I watched as the light seemed to ride each and every wave…the mini ripples within every wave glistened like diamonds and the shadow they cast mimicked a spider’s web catching the moon’s light…the sun’s rays reflected in every direction. There were an array of colors as each wave brought in a new rainbow-like vision…lighting up the seafloor and everything else within reach…showcasing all the beauty. It was unbelievable. I stood taking this in for a mere moment or two until it became too much…I couldn’t handle it and I began to weep…then I felt nauseous. I put my hands on my knees and prepared to vomit…I felt like I was lovesick…I believe that I am. I had to shake myself around trying to release the emotion as I couldn’t bare to look upon the sun filled waves anymore…I began running away from it all…finishing my so called stress relieving workout at the opposite side of the beach with the sun setting…I even completed a form from my martial arts…still trying whatever I could to release the buildup but to no avail. I started walking home with my head down. As I strolled down a trail…I still felt the emotions boiling over…feeling so broken hearted…wondering when it would all stop…it wasn’t letting up. I just felt so empty without her…knowing that she’s gone but still not truly grasping the fact that she’s not here with me…in the physical form I so desire. Even writing this right now is challenging…I can feel the emotions starting to build and I don’t want that again today…I cannot go through that all over again. I miss her and I miss our love…without Jessica here to love leaves a very large void in my heart…it needs something to try and compensate for the missing purpose. This truth is…what I believe has revealed my creative side…opened my eyes to truly see more beauty in nature, in people…in life…planting a seed of desire to try and capture it all with my words…is the fact that because I cannot love Jessica as I did I feel that some of my purpose has left me…there was no outlet for my passion, my love…so I have been granted a gift which seems like a curse at times…truly seeing the world for what it is…brimming over with beauty…overflowing with love…and I have been blessed to experience it all for the first time.
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