Is it enough? Is the love we shared for over a decade enough to get me through this life without trying to duplicate in some small manner what I once was so very blessed to share with her? Is it enough to move past all of the pain, grief, confusion, anger and resentment?
I’m so tired of the depression encroaching upon my being and taking over, like a unexpected gust of wind that sweeps in from nowhere…filled with suit and leaves that just slaps you across the face. You can’t help but laugh at how powerless you are against such a inconsistent force. The sorrow constantly drains me emotionally and physically, sucking my energy and determination for the day’s activities and goals. I’ve never been this sorrowful in one way or another for so long…the sting from knowing the end is not in sight only adds to the pain. The film of sorrow that blankets my existence seems to be thickening…getting heavier at times…the weight bearing down taking its toll on me. I hate the monotony of looking upon something similar to what I once had and feeling envious; couples…walking hand in hand beachside…carelessly swinging together in a hammock or the accompanied bliss of no matter what difficulty life brings at least they have each other. It’s still equally as difficult seeing what Jess and I were trying to create in our lives; children joyously playing with their young parents, couples building their dream home and generations all dining together for a special occasion…all reminding me of life’s unfairness. It’s all very overwhelming at times and in those moments I wish time itself would cease so that I could make my escape….whatever that means. I of course experience moments of pure happiness, when I momentarily forget all that has happened…when Jess is not gone, she’s just somewhere else…but still here by my side. There are also times where I feel momentary joy with the knowledge that she has moved on; watching the sunset, swimming in the ocean, hiking through the wilderness, training in martial arts, working out, spending time with loved ones and meditation. However either during these moments or soon after I remember all that has occurred…after those moments of peace sometimes I cannot help but conclude that she should be with me…experiencing all of this by my side. She missed out, and it’s not fair to her, it’s not fair to me and it’s not fair to the ones who loved her.
I think back on my past, when I mistakenly anticipated future times and the happiness they would bring. When I get this position then everything will be better…after I pay off this loan I’ll be less stressed…when we have a bigger apartment life will be easier…after I buy this item I will be better…and when she is finally healed…we will be complete…we will be happier. Now there is nothing that I can buy, home to live in, position to hold, amount of money that will bring about what I long for. It’s not possible, there is no occurrence which can bring about a sustained happiness within my future reality. The reason being of course because nothing will bring her back. I’m not saying that living a happy existence isn’t possible…I’m saying that it’s impossible for it to happen through exterior circumstances unfolding. I know this now. I truly know this and it’s both enlightening yet torturous within the same instant. It brings me relief to know that I am no longer trapped within a superficial world in which I believe my true happiness is right around the corner as soon as this & that occur…yet in that same reality I know how hard life is without her…without Jessica here to love me and my love to give to her. But if true happiness is still obtainable, and not from exterior forces…then from where, how? I have come to wholly realize through this difficult chapter that it comes from within…within our hearts and souls…within our love for others…within our love for ourselves and within our love for God. I have delved into the depths of my being searching for a way to escape the depression and misery which has accompanied her passing…at times I find truth and within this truth I find joy, peace & wisdom. I try, unsuccessfully, to hold it within my grasp and not let it slip away…but like a pleasant dream you awake from…but are unable to return to no matter how hard you try…it is not something I can easily recover just by closing my eyes and then I’m back after a few deep breaths. I do know it’s there…I’ve tasted it…and I know of its existence…I just have to work at getting it back and holding onto it for longer & longer each time.
Today and the last few days have been extra trying since I feel that I’m at a crossroads but during these trying times I turn to God. I pray for forgiveness, give thanks for my blessings and lay my uncertainty, misery, anger, worry, sorrow and pain at His feet. This is why he sent His son Jesus Christ to us, so that I could do this and not feel guilty or shameful. I am imperfect and that’s okay. I am grieving and that’s okay. I am depressed and that’s okay. I am scared and that’s okay. I supposed to be…because life is not fair, but it’s not meant to be and through our trials we become stronger…through our trust, faith & love in God we are able to be joyous and happy…no matter what the circumstances…because He Loves Us. So to answer my question, no I don’t think the love Jessica and I shared is enough to get me through the rest of my life…in addition to this I Need to love myself, I Need to accept the love of God and I Need to love Him. That is all I need.
Comments