I have returned home and home has changed, new buildings have been constructed and old ones torn down, relationships have strengthened or withered, people have grown or remained stagnant, love has blossomed or fear has conquered. So much to take in after the journey I have returned from…I feel as though all of this is eerily familiar…déjà vu…like walking the halls of an old school you once attended or staying with a friend at their house while yours is still waiting for you somewhere else. The warm welcoming, “my home is your home” feeling but something is off, it’s not the same anymore…I don’t have that home waiting for me somewhere else. I too have changed, immensely…my desires have shifted, my passion has deviated…my soul embodies the growth it so desired. Some things will remain forever unchanged though. I know I will still get angry once in awhile, I will say “this is bullshit” within my mind when I look at pictures of her…there will be times I weep because the loss becomes too overwhelming…I will question my purpose, my direction, my decisions, my journey, my faith, my love and my life…I know I will stumble…I will learn through mistakes…I will let someone down…I will prefer solace at times…I will hide within myself at certain occasions when I long for the strength she once provided…I will talk to her out loud and ask for help…and once in awhile I will probably become a little jealous and bitter when I see couples with growing families, new homes and other accomplishments I once desired to share with my wife. I will struggle with the sorrow of knowing we won’t grow old together.
But maybe we did in a sense? We shared over a decade of extremely fulfilling life with too much to mention and grew abundantly from our time together. And near the end…when I cared for Jessica through treatments, surgeries, medications, procedures, sleepless nights and so much more…we were tested…our faith and love for each other…and for God. When the emotional, mental, physical and spiritual war took it’s toll and made her frail and weak, made us uncertain and scared, questioning every decision and pleading for divine intervention, we matured and grew more within those few years than some do in a lifetime. So we did indeed grow old together…because growing old together is not merely time altering our physical bodies with age well into our latter years. Growing old together is so much more…it’s walking through life’s joyous chapters, difficult chapters and all the ones between with your soulmate…making mistakes, learning and growing from both the wonderful times and the struggles. It’s wanting love to conquer all of what life has to throw your way…taking on the ups & downs hand in hand, together…looking within each other’s eyes and knowing that none of it makes any difference…our love will rise above it all…and we will be together…forever and beyond.
I have grown old and humbly speaking, wise, with Jess…not in all respects, but in the most important. We saw each other for what we were…with our layers peeled back…just two souls sharing our lives together covered with an insurmountable level of pure love. Not many people so young have been blessed with such a life…with such lessons learned so quickly…being able to share a love so powerful that even death was not able to diminish it’s bond. I have learned that the more difficult moments I mentioned earlier will still pop up time to time, day to day, month to month and so on…and they will dwindle down as more time passes…I also firmly believe these moments will be sprinkled within many…many more powerful, inspirational, moving, wonderful & loving times in which I will honor my wife and make her proud…times when I honor and love God, helping others in His name…chapters where I honor myself and pursue the true purpose I have been blessed to discover from my journey abroad. I will succeed in fulfilling that purpose with my friends and families continued love & support, with Jessica’s protection & guidance, with my own determination and unshakable will and with God’s love & grace.
There have been many additional fruits of our labor bonded into my being and throughout my journey I have been given the time to reflect on these gifts, in addition I have also been blessed enough to be able to release the guilt of their source. I can say for certain that I am the best version of myself so far…and it’s truly all due to my wife, her struggle with fighting for her life and the strength she put forth which have molded my character, shown me what true love is…and built up my desire to be something so much more than I ever thought I could be. Sometimes I wish she got to know this new man…created from her being, our love and ultimately her loss. I desire to continue to learn from her and she from me…to walk through this life together until a ripe old age…but in these times I have to remember the spirit which I came to know as Jessica Marie, the soul I vowed to love eternally has never actually left my side, only the physical body where it temporarily resided is gone. Jessica knows the man her husband has become and she will walk with me through this life until I too have left my physical form for a better life with her. I owe my wife, Jessica Marie, so very much and I miss her dearly. It has been one year since she has left us and the inspiration she gifted so many will continue on for many years to come. I intend to use her inspiration and this time to grow old with all of my loved ones.
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