This is a text between Jessica and I showing her love for God and her faith that she would be healed. I was and continue to be inspired by her love for God.
Faith is so very confusing and there’s an ample amount of grey area which can change one’s faith from nonexistent to immovable…and vice versa. My faith has recently gone through a transitionary period…and it still might be as well. I have faith in God, I have faith that He loves me and this belief guides me through my life. I struggle with blindly and wholeheartedly believing that my faith will get me through certain situations and difficulties with rainbows waiting for me at the other end. The reason of course being because I truly believed that would be the case over 9 months ago, I was wrong. As I sit here in El Salvador and write this I can’t help but look around in amazement…I’m driving through the Americas in a 44 year old truck exploring all that I can…both externally and internally. This humbling and amazing experience was all birthed from her passing. It’s all just so hard to swallow and understand how I got here…surrealism is a daily reality. I read and listen to different people preach about faith…how leaning on your faith through challenging chapters will pull you through those times into times of surplus…increase you in some manner so that you are stronger, wiser, braver and ready to handle whatever comes your way. I think of how much I have changed in the last 9 months and I couldn’t agree more about what my faith has done for me. I pray multiple times a day and I lean on God’s grace to get me through whatever strays before me. I cannot express with mere words the importance faith has in my everyday life…without it I would be in a far worse place…both externally and internally.
There is unfortunately another side to that coin though…Jessica had faith that inspired me daily. She was a faithful warrior who absolutely loved God and put her trust in Him through the toughest of times. I have written about it before but her physical, emotional and mental struggle through her battle was nothing short of torture…on many different levels and time after time she laid it all at The Lord’s feet and believed wholeheartedly that she WAS healed. Here we are now…I ask myself what did that accomplish…she is gone. Did her faith bring her through the countless nights and days battling that horrific disease? Did her faith prevent one after another after another “bumps in the road” as we used to call them? Did her faith keep her out of the hospital for 60 plus days and nights with over dozens of trips back? Did her unwavering faith help her to triumph over her sickness and live to inspire so many others? No it didn’t…so it’s difficult when I hear people say that faith will get you through the hardest of times with some kind of reward waiting on the other side. Yes, I know that many could say that she is in Heaven and she has received her reward…her surplus has been granted…but we prayed and were faithfully believing that she would be healed here on earth. That’s what we hoped for, held onto in the scariest of times…and blindly believed would be granted to us.
Jessica’s faith was honest and pure…she loved The Lord and truly believed she would overcome cancer and resume pursuing her dreams and goals with me by her side and God lighting the path. Nothing gets me more upset then thinking about all of her plans and dreams to make Chicago and the world a healthier place, looking forward to helping those in need, excited about raising a family, growing old together and so much more…it actually makes me physically upset sometimes…was her faith not strong enough? Was my faith faltering too often? Was our faith not even the size of a mustard seed that we couldn’t move that mountain of a burden from our lives? Were all the prayers from family, friends and complete strangers just not enough for God to let her live…to let her pursue her dreams and help bring health, happiness and faith to so many who could have used her help? I’ve spent countless hours reflecting on these questions to no avail.
As I sit writing this I am now certain about two things…One, I don’t believe I will ever know the answers to those questions prior to my passing. Two, I’m okay with that. My faith has matured, it has grown older and wiser…I picture it prior to Jessica getting sick over 3 years ago and it looked like a crawling infant confused on how exactly legs operate. When Jess was truly battling for her life my faith was a confident young chap…overflowing with blind ambition…the sky was the limit and the world was mine. Now I picture my faith as an older gentleman rocking back in his chair and overlooking the ocean…a look deep within his eyes…hiding a secret of sorts…a smirk across his face and a peace about him. I’m not saying I have all the answers…it’s quite the opposite actually…I’m saying that I used to have endless questions regarding faith but now I don’t care to hear the answers. My faith has changed and I imagine it’s not through just yet. There was a time when I believed that my faith would conquer my every obstacle, that I would be granted double for my trouble. Faith to me now is believing God will give me the strength to appreciate both the good and difficult chapters for what they are…to live through every obstacle I face with the belief that no matter what…The Lord loves me.
My pastors once told me that my faith was exactly what it needed to be when Jess and I were battling the worst of times…I liked hearing that and I agree. Both Jessica’s and my faith made our battle easier, our love for each other stronger and our desire to be closer to God larger. I imagine my faith is exactly where it needs to be right now as well….and there’s more to that because I have gained a new kind of faith in addition to my faith in God’s love for me. I have gained faith in my faith.
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