Departure

Departure; escape, embarkment on a new journey, separation from the ones you love, self abandonment, retreat, right of passage, progressing forward, stepping back, farewell for now…goodbye forever. This word can mean so much depending on the situation unfolding at that time one departs. I have come to experience its multi layered depth and I’m sure my future entails both empowering & challenging departures still to come, all of our futures do. Knowing this fact will not make my future challenging departures any easier nor will it make the pleasant ones better. Difficult departures are something in life we will never get accustomed to…because the things, situations and people we depart from are ever-changing…and we long for them to remain unchanged.

So much has made it’s departure from my grasp. Saying goodbye is difficult when you’re not prepared to do so…yearning for the variables in life to stay unaltered…desiring that moment to exist longer…needing her to stay with you forever. I miss the positive departures, moving on to something better…embarking on a journey not overshadowed with the tremendous loss of everything you once knew to be constant, what you mistakenly knew to be cemented within your life. I yearn for an adventurous voyage which tests the spirit and crushes the fear built up prior to embarkation…a trial of one’s courage…a test of one’s strength and bravery…a verification of one’s mental, emotional, physical & spiritual fortitude…growth in all aspects, even if your journey ends with failure…because just taking the leap is so much more empowering than never attempting the first step at all. No regret. I long to feel the building jubilation which accompanies all stages of such a valuable journey; conception, deliberation, both inner & outer persuasion, logistics and ultimately the courage to embark upon your quest.

I am tired of saying the forever kind of goodbyes…my heart is aching over the recent departure of something more dear to me than myself. The true amount of loss was unknown and still baffles my consciousness in this very moment…like water slipping through an opened hand I watched it all wash away through my fingers only to be left with nothing but an unfathomable level of surrender. But there is a flip side of that coin…like a Redwood pine cone opening after the intense flare of a forest fire…blossoming in the midst of ash and what seems like utter despair. Something has come from all of this…it had to because I feel that nothing was left when the dust settled. It’s not without feelings of confusion and even guilt that accompany my acceptance of being more satisfied with the current version of who I am compared to who I was prior to Jessica’s passing. Of course it’s two fold because without my prior identity I would not be the man I am right now…even though I have nothing compared to what I once did…yet I have the one thing I didn’t just some months ago…nothing to lose. This void creates so much, and I feel that I am just experiencing the tip of the iceberg as they say. During times of true reflection I cannot help but wish with all of my being that Jessica had the opportunity to know the man I am today…to experience a life with the flower which has blossomed from the ashes of loss & despair…an opportunity to love the version of myself with the belief and wisdom only gained from her passing…the irony is quite crushing. Yet as my grief lessens…or as I become more accustomed to its existence, I have not yet concluded which is occurring…new desires are born along with new realizations on life and its most important qualities…the reasons I feel blessed by God with a life to live.

One of those reasons left me just a few days ago to return to their lives back home after joining me to celebrate my wife on our wedding anniversary. I was stunned with a new level of grief accompanying my ongoing struggle…the loneliness after their departure…this intense awareness that I am here alone in a way…without her…without my dearest loved ones and the familiar realization that I prefer to be with them than without them. I of course knew this prior to embarking on this soul searching and faith healing journey in my midst…I was just reminded of this fact through my old friend, departure. I know I am personally happier when surrounded by my loved ones but I also have to remind myself that I sent out to discover the essence of a lonesome survival so that I could rise from the ashes…emerging with confidence, courage and the experience to take life on once again…only this time without my muse by my side. I don’t think I am quite ready or finished with my current voyage…maybe I’ll never be…but I do think it’s possible to continue with this one while I embark on a new journey. What that might be I have not yet figured out…but I can feel the subtle thirst for something new building within my being…calling and guiding me into the contemplation of a voyage unknown…a departure enveloped with illumination this time instead of loss.