I had reservations about sharing these posts publicly, especially the latter of the two. But then I thought if it helps just one person…if one person relates to this in some way and finds truth in what I know…that some days…some moments can swallow you up like a whirlpool only to continue to take you to a deeper place…a dark abyss…your total submersion within your pain is as true as the intensity of that pain within the moment…but for me I know to be patient…for I will eventually emerge on the other side…I will bare these horrible days and moments because blue skies are awaiting my return…and they may not be in sight at the time but they are there…always…and I will eventually break free from this lightless grip…released from my murky abyss…purge my emotional hold only to desire again the joy and love of God, life and loved ones…this is what I know and if I can share that then it will be worth it to help just one person…so they don’t feel alone during their dark struggle. I wrote both of these during one of my dark struggles.
I had to use two of my favorite sunburst pictures to balance the heaviness of the posts, one is from here in Costa Rica and the other from a hike in Cochabamba, Bolivia.
Storm’s a Brewin’
I’m in the middle of some menial task…like picking out avocados at the grocery store…squeezing them trying to decipher which one has that perfectly ripe meat. I’m just beginning to fill up my cart with some healthy produce…enjoying the afternoon. So here I stand choosing avocados…which are used to make guacamole…Jess made the best guacamole…man I loved it…oh wait Jessica is no longer here with me anymore…she’s gone…forever…I hear the crackling of thunder echo in the distance, followed by the ominously grey clouds immediately rolling in overhead…coming in almost too quickly…replacing the sun filled afternoon with numerous shades of darkness…shadows escaping from hiding…veiling over the blue heavens above and then it starts…poignant flashes of light break through the dull and somber sky followed shortly by booming rumbles exploding overhead. The wetness arrives immediately…there’s no gradual buildup…in an instant the tremendous downpour devours the landscape and everything in its reach…people running from the beach for cover…screams being muffled by the rain which then blankets everything that once had color with a dullness…a lifeless film swallows up all that is beautiful…and just like that the vibrant, sunny, picture perfect summer’s day is swept away…I drop the avocados…leave my cart, walk out of the store…heading for my shelter.
Absolute Darkness
Not every moment is filled with butterflies and reassuring breezes…I’m such a fucking mess today. I’ve cried like ten times, couldn’t stop while watching the sunset…memory after memory bombarding my mind like someone was toying with me…and everything reminds me of either what we had or what we wanted, together. I watched a movie where a child hugged his mother from bed, he pulled her down to hug her with such love and that just tore me up. I’ll never have that with Jessica, she never got to experience being a mother, raising children together…which she desired so truly…when we were battling her horrible disease she used to cry to me about how badly she wanted to be a mom and have children…and I consoled her, wrapped my love around her and promised her we would when she was healed…and I’ll never get to experience any of those kind of moments with her…with our family…I’ll never be able to fulfill my promise.
That was just one example from today and there’s been like 3 dozen similar situations…today has been so very challenging and I don’t know why. Yesterday was such an amazing day and today was the polar opposite. My thoughts are so dark and on days like today…I don’t fear death in the least bit…actually I welcome it…I know first hand that nothing is guaranteed and so if it’s my time to go…it’s my time to go. Sometimes I think about dying…even the notion of suicide seems romantic…just so that I can be reunited with her…like how it is at the end of Romeo & Juliet…when they take their own lives nobody thinks…How selfish of them…you think…At least now they will be together once and for all…no more earthly obstacles getting in the way. It makes my heart blossom when I imagine our reunion…because I know it will be better than anything that could ever occur in this world…better than a million sunsets. The highlight of my day was imagining my own death so that I could then find happiness in the moment I’m reunited with my wife…what a fucked up reality…today was a tough day.
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