C'est la Vie

I recently attended one of my closest friend’s wedding in Arizona. It was a beautiful outdoor Jewish ceremony with some Indian influence. The seemingly beautiful fabricated Arizona sun was setting just beyond the desert mountain scape as the bride and groom mentally prepared themselves for the big moment. We all patiently sat on this sprawled out rooftop terrace nervously awaiting the beginning of the ceremony. Guests frequently looked over their shoulders and prepared their smartphones to capture blurry, off-centered pictures of the bridal party making their way to the Chuppah.

As we all sat with tides of anxiety pouring over us I was taken back to my wedding…standing there baking underneath the Costa Rican sun…my brow beaded with sweat and every time I wiped it dry with my handkerchief it returned as if appalled that I wiped it away in the first place…mirroring the work of windshield wipers during a rainy day. I too was a nervous wreck while awaiting the first glimpse of my bride to be. You see…this was the first wedding I have attended since Jessica’s passing and the similarities between these two weddings were ever present…destination location, intimate outdoor setting, many close friends that had attended my wedding and a beautiful sunset to boot. It was almost too much of a reminder as my mind abandoned my current reality and my eyes ceased capturing the events unfolding before them. I couldn’t stop thinking of Jess as my wedding began to play out in my mind. I recall my body reacting to the tension as I waited for Jessica to enter my sight and step outside onto the platform above the stairway which lead to me. Back in reality, my heart mimicked the increased, loud and almost sensory intrusive beat I felt as I waited to view my love. There she was, I never saw her walk onto the platform, she just appeared. I saw her smile as she began her first downward step…her toe reaching to grasp the tiles below but the memory slows and then stops as I’m yanked back to reality by the rustling of guest’s reacting to the groom’s appearance. Fast forward…the duo is now reciting their vows with nervous, loving and emotional devotion…I feel…literally feel, the love. This is no insignificant moment, after all the planning…all the stress…all the money…and all the anticipation this is why God has placed us all here at this moment…to witness two souls colliding…ultimately joining for eternity. It breaks me…I’ve been whisked back…proudly standing hand in hand with my sweet Jessica and feeling our souls intertwine as they monetarily escape our bodies…undulating as our vows are spoken into existence. I see her sincerity, her adoration and true love beam across her sweet face as we stare into each other’s eyes. Her face freezes…like a brilliantly captured photograph as once again I’m pulled back into the Now. I hear the rabbi mention the ones who couldn’t be present due to leaving this world and my pulse begins to race…I’m contemplating the surreality of the moment…then the rabbi says it…she says “Jessica Marie Hehn”…and my lower lip trembles as I slowly raise my eyes to the sky above. My being hurts…physically hurts as I feel like a performer on stage…when the spotlight focuses on one sole cast member and the rest of the stage is darkness…the entire theater is darkness. The energy and pain of the group who knew our story and know me was intensified and concentrated in my direction…I felt the burden, I felt the ache of loss from those who hold me in their hearts…those who grieve for me…those who grieve with me…even the bride and groom. I felt like I was hit by a car. My reality is extremely difficult no matter what occasion…this was no different. I need this to happen, I need life to occur…to unfold and remind me of Jessica’s death…so that I may continue to grow…continue to heal.

This was nothing short of a true honor…this wonderful couple paying respect to their late grandparents and my wife during the most important time of their lives. I am so very blessed to have people…loved ones, like this in my life to help me heal in ways that are unknown to them and even unknown to me at the time…but brilliantly clear soon after. This is life…life is unavoidable and more importantly it shouldn’t be. Me living my life without Jessica is my life now, C'est la vi as they say…and I need to get used to that, and I feel that I am…little by little. Some days I retract, live in reverse and struggle but I’m fine with that too…as long as I’m heading in the right direction.

A couple weeks after my return form Arizona I attended another wedding where they too paid respect to my late wife…and my lip still quivered a bit but I felt stronger…almost a little prouder as I was brought back into another crystal clear moment from our wedding…I smirked in adoration for my loving bride.