It’s been awhile since I’ve asked for some kind of sign from Jessica of her presence…her acknowledgement of my spoken word. Well today I asked.
I should back up a bit though, my day started off waking from a disruptive night’s sleep with what sounded like animal warfare throughout the evening. After driving for nearly 8 hours yesterday the truck broke down pretty much in the middle of a jungle just outside my second to last destination, Lanquin. Again I just let God handle everything and 2 hours later my truck was fixed, albeit MacGyver style, but it would do for now. It was late so I took the first room I came across, right away the energy was not what I was hoping for…that of a party hostel, and although I was happy I was no longer stranded in the jungle with a broken truck…$1 rum & coke specials and bad 80’s flicks in Spanish playing as background entertainment was not exactly my cup of tea after the day I had…actually a cup tea sounded perfect. I had not intended to spend the night here in Lanquin, I wanted to continue my journey and arrive in Semuc Champey which was about 40 minutes further but over an extremely steep and somewhat treacherous road. I couldn’t leave because of an appointment with my newly made mechanic friend, Byron. He would be fixing my hand brake which stopped working earlier that day as well…it was quite entertaining asking pedestrians to place rocks under my tires while trying to park on the hilly roads of town…had a few laughs to say the least. So I didn’t care for my hostel whatsoever, bad dinner, ants commanding control of the shower, stagnant air and no fan, wifi sucked and of course the symphony of wild beasts throughout the night…but the gentlemen who greeted me, checked me in, took my food order and attended to my every need, Wellington, was the most pleasant man I’ve come across in quite some time. I would rate that hostel 4/5 stars just because of the impression he left on me…so apparently don’t trust anything I review. Anywho, this morning I wake with a headache, drive the truck to get fixed up real quick and then I’m back home having an impromptu conversation with a dear friend of both mine and Jessica. For almost an hour we discussed past disappointments and how faith was the treatment to move past such things…a heavy way to start the morning. Immediately following this conversation was one with another dear friend regarding a dream she had of Jessica…specifically the moment of her passing. I don’t desire to retell the dream in its entirety, but it left me feeling upset about the way Jessica must have suffered right before she passed…the fear, agony and complete loss of control over the circumstances…having to let go of everything she loved…including me. The conclusion of the dream was much more uplifting though, Jessica’s complete bliss entering into her new realm, Heaven and the glorious feeling that overcame her just after she passed…laughing uncontrollably over her new state of being. This helped cool the flame of intensity and sorrow which smoldered within, but the ending I was already certain of…I hadn’t given much thought to the way Jess felt prior to her passing. She was completely unconscious and I felt that she heard my words and felt my love as I waited by her bedside but I had not contemplated her utter distress over her inevitable departure from all that was sacred to her…leaving everyone…leaving me…forever. I can only imagine the complete fear and despair of having to pass when you’re not ready. So I started to imagine what she went through…not very wise but one cannot help themselves at times. One part of the dream did stick out the most, my friend said that Jessica was screaming in pain, not physical pain but pain from her knowing this was it…this was the end. I started to imagine Jessica consumed with absolute sorrow…utterly distraught and screaming in agony over the unrelenting torment she was enduring…I’m not even doing any justice…no words can describe the feeling, of this I am certain.
It was a very emotional conversation which played heavily on my heart…the weight from imagining the fear my sweet wife must have dealt with is still crushing my spirit as I write this. There was too much sorrow building up and I felt a storm brewing…I can physically detect the grief and its effect on my body, mind, spirit and emotions.
Now to lighten the mood a bit…my friend was just trying to help of course…concerned for my well being. Her intentions were pure, her message was clear, Jessica was in Heaven and with God…perfection…incomprehensible bliss. We also discussed a few more uplifting topics as well, one being how many butterflies I’ve been noticing lately…I guessed at telling her I must have seen several dozen or so throughout my 8 hour drive from Antigua. Several flew around me as I swung in a hammock discussing how many I saw the day before…it wasn’t surprising…a comfort I will never take for granted.
So…I’m off…I begin my 40 minute, 5 mile drive further into the jungle. I’m also pretty worked up, driving alone and releasing my emotional build up as I drive and listening to some of our favorite songs. I start noticing butterflies again so I begin to count…9,10,11…as I’m shifting back and forth from first to second gear while taking one cutback after the next over a rocky, dusty road which was edging the cliffside…18, 19…had to stop and engage the AWD because it’s getting pretty hairy now…24, 25, 26…no wait that was two circling each other so that makes 27…went down the wrong road…39, 40…now I’m on the truly horrible part…it took me 15 minutes to go the final mile. 47, yes 47 butterflies in total throughout the drive. Okay I know I’m driving through the jungle but come on…I’m not trucking through Central America in a huge flower shaped car scented like Bed, Bath & Beyond’s most terrible hand lotion.
I arrive to quite a few surprised faces, drop off my bags, throw on my board shorts and head for the river. I hear the rapids upon my approach and as my eyes set upon the glimmering emerald green waters I can’t help but smile over the tranquility…the Godliness of the scene playing out before me. I go for a swim and setup camp for a much needed mediation/prayer session but not without company…more butterflies. Again, no surprise to me…I’m actually contemplating how to turn this into a business of some sort…after drawing a blank I decide to begin counting again, from zero. I’ve never done this before today so I thought let’s just see what happens.
I swim around in the calm parts, treading water in the deeper pools…meditate several times along my voyage up and back down the riverside. I get tipped off on the whereabouts of a local waterfall just a 20 minute hike downstream…after a few mandatory river crossings…I’m making my way through the jungle’s edge…off to find my new destination. On the way I climbed a tree, haven’t done that in forever…I miss the smell of moss covering the trunk, the feeling of bark between my fingers and toes, the sun glinting through the leaves swaying in the wind…it’s freeing…brings me back to my childhood. I swung down and landed with a sense of unnecessary accomplishment and picked up where I left off…walking along the shore which lead up to a beautiful lush meadow. My mind was set on the waterfall but I felt inclined to take a rest in this utopia upon my return…I recall my friend’s dream again and the ending: “and then Jessica walked out the door into a brilliantly lit meadow”…I must return.
So I climbed, hiked, swam and jumped my way, barefoot mind you, all the way to the top portion of the rocks breaking up the rushing water just before its final descent, some 20 feet below. I meditated again and then crossed the river for my second to last time before finding myself back in the middle of that alluring grassy meadow. I laid smack dab in the center. The vibrant green grass tickled my ears as the scent of outdoors filled my lungs. River water dripped down my face as the ants kept bidding for my attention. The sun was just overhead, flickering through windows within the robust puffy clouds. I began to speak to Jess, apologizing for all that she had to endure…explaining the depth of my pride for the battle she fought…the frequent ache my heart endures from her passing…asking for her continued love and guidance along my voyage home and throughout my existence…and most importantly proclaiming my undying love until the day we are once again reunited. I requested more than butterflies this time…how I’ve missed the breeze carrying her sweet kiss…I close my eyes and exhale as the sun breaks through the white barrier just above. I wait patiently for a moment or two when suddenly I hear a rustling come from the bushes. I look up to see 7 little children, they were probably 5 to 8 years old, walking in line down the path with machetes in hand, yes machetes…these things were bigger than the smallest child. They joyously waved and smiled as we greeted each other with laughter, mine a bit more boisterous then theirs. I watched until their bopping little heads could not be seen any further. I then returned attention to my prior state, a smile still stretched across my face from the previous scene. I was now leaning back against my hands, my legs crossed and stretched out before me, my eyes slowly closed. I inhaled deeply…then released…a soft breeze began to gradually build as I began to take it within my lungs…it continued building until my hair was dancing and the river’s dew cooled my sun burnt skin. I lost myself in the moment…as gust after gust…each stronger than the last…sweep through the meadow holding me within its grasp. Peace…comfort…the healing my soul so desired...saturating my being…the wisdom settles within…she does not suffer any longer…there’s no need to dwell on moments passed…she is complete and her love is wrapping itself around me, holding me like a blanket and confirming the bond between our souls. I lay back down once the breeze had subsided, cross my arms behind my head and melt into the earth below…a smile upon my face and a peace within my soul…81…82…83.
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